Like all boys in their teens/early 20s. I have been known to drive like a mad man. But for the most part, I stick to the safe road. I drive at the most…8mph over the speed limit on the highway, since I figure by the time I see a cop down the road, I have enough time to decelerate enough to not get in trouble. (And *crosses fingers* to this date, I have been great success)
But enough about me, this is the stupid shit my friends do.
Let’s start with the shortest tale, Tood.
I was driving my older half-sister home after her truck died (more accurately, the drive shaft fell out). I get a phone call; it’s my good friend and a character that is in 90% of my best stories…J.
“Bojac?”
Yes, J?
“Can you pick me up from the hospital?”
Turns out that J was in a car accident; but remember, this is a story about Tood, J will get his turn. Tood was the driver; K and J were in the back seat, and another one of our little asian buddies “Bewt” (as we call him) was riding shotgun. Tood ran a stop sign and hit somebody, everybody was ok thankfully.
*Editor’s Note* J would later describe the incident as “Bewt was there, and talking. The next second, there was glass everywhere, and an airbag had replaced Bewt.”
To this date, I have only ridden in a car while Tood was driving once. Even then, I was scared to death.
*Editor’s Note* Now this guy doesn’t really count as a “friend” but my friends and I know a guy who I will call “Dan”, Dan, you see, is a terrible driver. When he had his license he would collect speeding tickets like a balloon collects static electricity. Thankfully he doesn’t have a license anymore, but here’s the shocker.
This guy had a monthly car insurance bill of $1,000. Did I mention that his parents were paying for it? …And people give me shit about my parents paying for my insurance.
Now it’s our little buddy J’s turn.
The day he got his driver’s license, J got a car for $300. Lovingly titled “The J Mobile”, it was an ancient Geo Metro that got mad gas mileage.
Within the first week of owning it, he had wrecked it three times.
The first time, he was making a left turn; he then tried to whip around somebody. CRUNCH. The little old lady driving the other car forgave J, and she said it was ok and not to worry. J’s step-dad asked him what he hit that night (since the left side of his car had a large dent) he replied “A Squirrel”, he said his dad laughed and never bothered him again about it.
The next time, he was driving at night on 220. He hits a truck that was stopped in the middle of the road. He says he just slammed into it. He stayed in his car, unsure of what to do…
Then the truck just drives off.
J drove home with the car hood bent up, his step-dad straightened it out a little bit, and never asked him what happened.
The third time he said, he just backed into a tree or telephone pole. But the point still stands; he wrecked his car 3 times. Within one week of having his license.
The original J Mobile has since been replaced with an identical model Geo Metro, except this one is red. May it have many miles to go before it sleeps.
Next on my friend list is Joon.
Joon told me a story where he and J were in Joon’s car, they backed into Truck in a Food Lion parking lot in the middle of the night. Nobody was around, so they drove off. They did say that the back of the truck was significantly dented.
Over the last few years, Joon, J, and I have become avid fans of the Chicken Strips basket at IHOP. Simply put, they have the best Chicken Strip baskets I have ever eaten, they even come with texas-toast-garlic-bread and their honey mustard is amazing. But enough about that, one night, Joon and I were in his car getting ready to head back home. We parked with a Truck directly parked behind us. I thought to myself “I hope he sees that giant truck” not one second after I thought that…WHUMP! Joon backed into the truck, even though he could have just as easily DRIVEN FORWARD, OUT OF THE PARKING SPACE. This time however, there were witnesses, so Joon had to eat his pride, walk into the IHOP and tell the Cops in the restaurant that he backed into somebody. There wasn’t any damage, except for that the front license plate to the truck was on the ground, but I feel it could have just as easily snapped back on.
Thankfully, this time Joon’s license was valid.
Way back when, Joon got a speeding ticket. Before he went to DIP class, he earned himself a second speeding ticket. Thinking that both tickets would be covered by the one DIP class, he thought his troubles were over. Because he didn’t go to DIP for the second ticket, his license was suspended. Not only that, but he never had his address changed to his trailer after he moved. So he never got the letter from the DMV.
Then 6 months later, Joon got pulled over again. This is how he found out he had a suspended license. The cop took his invalid license, and told him that he had to sit and wait for somebody to get him, and if he tried to drive off, he would be arrested.
Joon eventually got his license reinstated, and all is well in the world.
The moral of the story is to always make sure the DMV has your current address up to date.
Finally on our list is my good buddy James.
This is James’ first appearance in my stories, but indeed it will not be his last.
We were over at Bewt’s house; it was getting real late, and we decided it was time to go home. Did I forget to mention that J was in the van with us? The first thing we did was drop off two of our friends at their apartment. We said goodbye to our friends at the apartment complex and next he was going to drop J and I off at my house. While we were backing out of the parking lot, I notice “Isn’t he going a little fast?” but it was too late…CRUNCH! We all get deathly quiet. James throws the car in drive and we start to drive away. Our friends at the apartment were halfway up the stairs and one yelled “What was that?” James responded quickly “Nothing happened” and we sped off into the night. He pulls over to a Kroger parking lot; we get out and survey the damage…nothing. We all hop back in the van and slink back into our warm, safe, beds.
That night, I talked to our friends at the apartment, they said the bumper of the other car was on the ground and the back was all messed up, but since we got out of there so fast, we never surveyed the damage. I remain suspicious, since I know I would have heard a bumper hitting the ground with all the windows down. Thankfully they also lived at some shady apartments, so no cops were ever brought in.
They also said that the next day, the car was gone, never to be seen again.
Now that I am done trashing my friend’s driving, I guess I should give you a little of my own luck.
Remember that snow in December? The one on the Friday before Christmas? Well J and I were out Christmas shopping, it was around Wal-Mart trip #2 that it started snowing. (You see, J and I went to Target and Wal-Mart twice, in the same day, because J kept forgetting things) This was the Wal-Mart at Valley View; our next and last place to stop was Booksamillion at Crossroads Mall to get Brandy a gift card. Think about that, normally that would be a 5 minute drive. This drive took 45 mins easy. Traffic was so crowded, and snow was pouring down (not falling, pouring), we knew Hershberger road was a bad choice so we took to the long route to Crossroads (going past the Airport, and the cemetery) which we thought was the safest.
Traffic was moving so slowly, and the snow was coming down so fast, that I had to get J to get out of the car multiple times and wipe the snow off the back window.
But we had made it to Crossroads. Or so we thought.
Anybody remember the Cinema Grill? That restaurant that showed sort of new movies? Well we decided to avoid traffic and turn in to the parking lot in front of the old Cinema Grill. This is where I made my fatal mistake.
We were going 5mph tops. I turned the wheel to the right. The car said “No, I want to go straight”. Well fine cars, then I want to stop. “No, I want to keep going” the car replied. So we kept going, the car slammed into and then over the curb, now on grass, I had enough control to avoid trees and parked cars.
But not enough to completely avoid the Stop sign.
The Stop sign knocked my right rear-view mirror out of whack, and it also left a pretty noticeable scratch on the right passenger door. But my car had the last laugh. That Stop sign is now at a 45 degree angle.
We got home safely, after composing ourselves, and going in to Booksamillion. But if you ever want to see my handy-work. Drive down Airport road toward Hershberger. Look to your right as you pass the building with the Satellite dishes. You should see a Stop sign at quite an askew angle. Get out and rub the sign for good luck, and think “Bojac was here”.
- Tune in next time, for the happy ending to “Con-Men” with Con-Men, Vol. 3! (OR IS IT???)
Until next time, Bojac.
