Many moons ago, a little Asian boy was born...
Then bad shit happened to him.
Why is he called “Bewt” you ask? Naturally that was my first question as well.
“Because he’s bewt”, J told me.
But the real reason is because he has a large boot to help him walk. Not too big of a deal, I know another dude who has a big shoe to help him walk. But his boot does give off a distinct sound, so you always know when he's coming up behind you. (DON'T LET HIM TOUCH YOU!)
I was introduced to Bewt through Joon and J. They met Bewt through some weekly game night. (It’s lame and I never got into it) I forget why I was initially brought in to meet the Bewt. But the point stands that one day, Joon and J said “we’re going over to this kid named Bewt’s house to play Smash Bros.” I thought “Ok, how bad can it be?”
When I first walked in to the house, something struck me as odd...
Oh, they have separate altar things to Buddha and Jesus. That’s what it was.
Whatever your opinion on religion is, I don’t care. I just find it interesting is all. Maybe they believe in the Jesus and followed Buddha’s spiritualism stuff. Or maybe I am totally wrong and they are trying to make Buddha and Jesus compete for their faith…buncha assholes.
But I digress.
When I first met Bewt, my heart sank. I knew the instant I saw him that Joon and J (but mostly J) were only around him to take advantage of Bewt’s hospitality (and his obliviousness). Now J’s philosophy of “I'm poor, they're richer than me, so I can steal from them…and it’s ok” sure liked to rear its ugly head at Bewt’s. I have no idea how much food J got Bewt to make him but it had to be in the high hundreds of dollars Americano. From what I understand, Bewt’s dad is a doctor (what with being Asian and all) and thus is rather wealthy. So all Bewt would have to do is ask his parents for some money and boom! J got free Ruby Tuesday, or whatever.
But before I tell you anymore, I have to introduce ‘Dirty’ Dan.
Dirty Dan was Bewt’s dearest friend. For years he had been riding the “Bewt gravy train”. Naturally, this lead to some friction between J and Dirty Dan…
With Dirty Dan around, J had competition for free crap; on top of that, Dirty Dan likes to brag about his skill in the video games. Which is not really skill...so much as it’s him watching other people play, then he figures out which character is broken, and then spam the shit out of moves.
And whenever he lost (and it happens quite frequently), it was never…EVER his fault.
To top it all off, he thinks he knows everything about anything.
To make fun of him, Joon and J made up a fictional restaurant called “Dixie Chicks”.
(Impersonating Dirty Dan’s Voice) “Dixie Chicks? Oh hell yeah I’ve been there! I fucked the manager there. I mean c’mon the #8? The Dirty Dan Burger? That was named after me.”
But enough about him, I just wanted to establish the parallels between J and Dirty Dan.
Wait no, I’m not done. Did I mention that Dirty Dan had sex with J’s girlfriend?
No? Well sit down children…
Ok, so before J and his girlfriend hooked up. She was Dirty Dan’s girlfriend, then they had sex, and she broke up with him almost immediately afterward and started spreading it around that Dirty Dan has a tiny dick. Now J will never ever concede to the fact that his dick and Dirty Dan’s dick were in the same place…that they are in all legal senses “wiener cousins” (the bond that must not be broken). His reasoning is that “his dick is so tiny that it didn’t really count”. In fact, we hung out earlier tonight, and I brought up that he and Dirty Dan are wiener cousins and he stands by that "it is mathematically impossible for him to have sex with a girl" and he then proceeded to bash Dirty Dan. but the fact still stands…and I think in J’s cold black heart he knows this.
Because the first opportunity he had, J roundhouse-kicked Dirty Dan in the head.
On top of having a 39 foot prehensile penis, every achievement ever created on Xbox Live & PSN combined, being unstoopable in every video game ever made, and being able to lay any chick he set his sights on… Dirty Dan apparently spent 3 years in China learning kung-fu from Grand Master Pai Mei and kickboxing from the 40 thieves of Ali-Baba.
Ok so maybe I exaggerated a little, but he thinks he’s tuff stuff, and since he can combo out in Street Fighter 4 then he naturally can do all those moves irl. So he wanted to spar with J. (Remember J had been in tae kwon do for a year by this point)
BOOM! HEADSHOT!
Dan had to lie down for an hour and took some Advil. (No head gear, and like a dick...J had his shoes on)
That probably had some contribution as to why we are never allowed over at Bewt’s house again. (It didn’t happen there, it happened somewhere else, but there was likely some grudge)
That and we kind of broke into his house. (But not really)
Ok not really, but what had happened was one night, we were over at Bewts having a lovely time. For one reason or another, we left our boxes of DBZ cards over in his basement. Of course we had to get those back. DBZ is life.
The next day, we got a back-door key from Bewt (who was at Game Night) and went to his house. From what I understand, it never occurred for Bewt to tell his parents that we were coming over to get our things. So we went in through the back to get our things and to try and not disturb his family...His parents didn’t like that.
So our friendship with Bewt waned. To the point that J and I try to avoid him and Dirty Dan as much as possible. But their legacies will never be forgotten...
*Editor's Note* I couldn’t figure out how to work this into the over-arching story, but here are couple “deleted scenes” that happened during our tenure at Bewt’s:
One thing I need to establish is that Bewt likes to touch da wimmen. Especially the white wimmen that think they are Asian.
Remember K? Well Bewt developed a stalker-like crush on her. (But don’t worry; K was totally oblivious to this)
One of the first warning signs was when he asked if “Joon had seen K’s bewbs”. But I figured, "Meh, it's a fair enough question, Joon and K had dated for a year"
The biggest “oh shit” moment happened on another night at Bewt’s. K was present (because she and Tood are inseparable) and at one point in the night, Bewt yells “Random Hug Tiem!”
Now I am not an idiot (and neither is Joon...sometimes), and at the time, K and I were on good terms; I knew Bewt’s game was afoot and had only moments to stop him. Both Joon and I outstretched our arms to embrace Bewt. “I pick K!” Bewt yelled, we tried to catch him, but alas Joon and I were too slow.
Oh and Bewt had a fondness for saying “Tood stole K from me”. Which we naturally construed it to our own uses and it became a part of our slang. Nowadays we don’t even bother to make complete words, just the sounds. “DerDerDerDuuuur”(Tood stole K) “DerDuuuur” (From me). The sounds became very popular to say around K, until the events of Con-Men Vol. 2. In which J blatantly yelled the full saying to K.
Even Tood got in on it after that. The day K left to go study abroad for a semester, Tood was over at Joon’s trailer and every hour we all collectively yelled “Japan stole K…Japan stole K from meeee”.
Good times.
Bewt seems to have reconciled to the fact that K and him will never happen and moved on. He moved on from pretty, but annoying girls to not pretty, and because of that…even more annoying, girls. I don’t think he has ever been happier, because like I said earlier, the boy does like to touch da wimmen…and a crippled Asian stalker is the best they will ever get.
One final note on the Bewt; Check out this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7-VlGSx5ag This is the most accurate representation of Bewt I have ever seen. And on that note, I bid you adieu.
Until next time, Bojac.
