This is probably one of my favorite stories involving my hetero-life-mate J.
This was our second semester out of High School, we were college students...we were top-shelf feags. Every Friday we went to Annie Moore's Pub (wearing special hats we bought just to wear at the Pub), and atleast once a week we would try a different restaurant nearby. On that fateful day, we chose Fire-House Subs.
After waiting close to half an hour to get our sammiches (the line was ridiculously long). We sat down to enjoy, but here's a fun factoid about J: He loves spicy foods, this kid puts Texas Pete on EVERYTHING (or Chalulu Sauce) and he said "fuck it, I want the hottest sauce they got". I forget what the name of the sauce was, he puts a good tablespoon or so on his sandwich and chows down. Moments later...
"Oh my gosh...OH my gosh...OH MY GOSH!"
That hot huh?
"My whole face is burning..."
Luckily I had enough time to eat my sandwich before he says, "I have to go to the bathroom NOW!". I am not 100% sure if there was a bathroom at that Fire-House Subs, but I know that we went into the Shopping Center to use the bathroom there.
"Bojac, I think I'm going to die."
We get to the bathroom safely, and he destroys it for the next 45 minutes. The noises of pain he made was so horrible, yet so funny since it wasn't happening to me.
Now after about 5 minutes, I get bored and wander into the Ram's Head Book Store just across the hall and start looking around. Forty minutes or so pass by...still no J. I hope he's alright.
I head back over to the bathroom, where I see him coming out.
"Wait, you weren't outside the door?"
No J, I was in the bookstore.
"For how long?"
About forty minutes.
"That wasn't you outside the bathroom?"
It turns out, that Justin had heard somebody outside the bathroom door. It was one of those onesie bathrooms where it's only one room with like a toilet and a sink on opposite ends. So if anybody else had to use the bathroom, they would have to wait. So Justin heard someone outside the door, and assumed it was me. Turns out, he was singing to what he thought was me. So I get this hilarious image in my head of J, sitting on a toilet, hands covering his face, singing "A Whole New World" to a stranger standing outside the bathroom door.
Until next time, Bojac.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Chapter Nine: Karma, She Is A Vile Woman.
I figure I would issue an emergency chapter after the events of tonight.
So I was thinking of settling down for a quiet evening, but about 10:30 I notice that I got a text message from J saying "Ne, come over to Joon's".
Right Now?
"Yes, I am on my way now."
Okey doke, I figure "hey I want to get some snacks while on the way over". So I pack up my Netflixed Blu-Ray of Iron Man and my other gadgets, (IMPORTANT LATER) and head off to Kroger's where I pick up a box of Zebra Cakes. I drive over to Joon's, nobody is home. J pulls up right behind me, he says that Joon is done with Friday Night Magic at 11 and he should be here by now. We hang outside Joon's trailer for 10 minutes tops, and J wants to hop in my car and drive to Star City to find Joon. I decide to just wait it out a couple more minutes, and sure enough Jon arrives.
We all sit around for a bit, and chit-chat. When J mentions "Did I tell you I hit another car?"
WHAT.
"Yeah, like Yesterday, I had my foot off the brake and leaned over to grab something at a stop-light and WHUMP. I hit someone."
And then what happened?
"The guy got out of his car, looked at the back of his car, got back in the car, and drove off"
How the hell do you manage to get away with that so many times?
"Dunno, did I tell you that Wednesday night I got pulled over too?"
YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
"Nope."
J that is definitive proof that God exists.
You see, Wednesday night; J, Joon, Myself, Tyler, and another guy named Nathan were over at Joon's playing cards. Around 2 in the morning we all left at the same time, and J started driving crazily (in the on-coming lane, honking horns, speeding) like he usually does. Now we were on a stretch of Peter's Creek Road that is INFESTED with Cops on most nights. That whole time he was doing that, I was thinking to myself "Please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over..."
So I told him, that I kept hoping he would get pulled over, sure enough...WOO-HOO!
"I didn't get a ticket, I think the Cop liked my 'bumper sticker'."
I say 'bumper sticker' because what he did was print "The U.S. Constitution Is My President" on like a home printer, and then covered it in packing tape. Yes, I do realize how much of a dumbass he is for making a statement like that. Which leads to the second part of the story.
J has become retarded, essentially.
J saw a little movie called "Loose Change", you know, the one where some college dropouts try to provide "evidence" that 9-11 was caused by the Government. Which I find hilarious (although annoying), because J a couple years ago ridiculed anyone who believed in a higher power because of "blind faith". Here he is, believing blindly the words of any conspiracy theory on the internet simply because "the internet is more trustworthy than the tv" (which to some degree can be true, but there is a lot of shit out there). J has backed off recently about 9-11 since we're smarter than him.
But now he has moved on to "Modern Medicine is bad for you", because sure enough, he found a website that said that bad things are in vaccines. Simply because the person saying it "has a PHD" (probably not in medicine I.M.O.) and some other bullshit. He refuses to back down on this, to the point that he literally pissed off his entire Geology class because he gave a presentation about it. He now eats only organic foods, and verbally abuses us for not doing so. (Now I am not saying Organic foods are bad, but he is taking this obsession WAY too far) I have already tried to point out that Cancer treatments are full of horrible things, but here's the thing THEY KILL CANCER CELLS.
But J has selective hearing, and will never take anything I say seriously. Oh and the Government is going to force everyone to take vaccines that will kill you. (He's gone insane)
This led to today, he said that Obama is trying to pass bills that will make all light-bulbs be replaced with fluorescent ones (you know, the spiral ones that last like 5 years and run on 10% of the power) and this apparently is a bad thing because...
There are bad things inside the light-bulbs. (He likes to talk about Mercury, but then he downs 2 Fish-Oil pills a day...)
I kept saying "Well then don't eat light-bulbs, it's as simple as that". But no he kept saying there are bad things in the light-bulbs, and that if you broke one open and breathed it in, you'd be breathing in Mercury and other things. "Ok J, then don't breath in the stuff in light-bulbs" But he wouldn't shut up. He kept arguing about it, even though YOU CAN AVOID THE PROBLEM THROUGH COMMON SENSE!!! I know that engine exhaust has bad stuff in it, so I don't stand behind a running car and breathe in tail-pipe fumes. IT'S COMMON SENSE!
Saruman the wise has abandoned reason for madness!
I forget what happened later, but he went into Jawn's room to prove some point. And five seconds later he comes back with a quote FROM THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY.
J, that is a Government Agency, when did you start believing in what the Government tells you?
Again, selective hearing.
"See I proved that I am right!"
J, your source is from a Government Agency, you've been telling us to not trust the Government for over a year!
"But I proved that I am right!"
You see what he has become? He's retarded! And not the good "Rain Man" kind either.
He left shortly after, Joon broke a light-bulb to prove that he wouldn't die and J ran out the door moments later. (He is still texting me, that a haz-mat crew has to clean that up, but you can't reason with him that the amount of toxins in ONE LIGHT-BULB will NEVER KILL YOU)
Did I forget to tell you that earlier today he said "they're not conspiracy theories, they're the TRUTH"?
But here's where Karma proved that she is cruel mistress.
Remember how I hoped that J would get pulled over, and sure enough he did? Oh and remember how I gathered all my electronic gadgets? While at Kroger I noticed that I didn't have my iPod.
Odd, I guess I left it on my dresser.
Well when I returned home late tonight, I go to my room AND NO IPOD! I look through my room. Nothing. The house. Nothing. My Car. Nothing. So I checked my pockets again. Sure enough THERE IS A HOLE IN MY RIGHT POCKET. (Where I usually keep my phone and iPod) So I figure that it's worth a shot to drive to Kroger and ask. Nothing there. So I drive home all sad. I had been using a flashlight to search my car earlier, and had it on as I walked up to my house.
When I see a familiar glimmer reflecting the flashlight's light.
MY IPOD!
Did I mention that this was TODAY, as in...it's been raining for like two days straight? And that it was pouring at the time of my discovery?
Right now I've got my iPod sitting near a fan, hoping it will dry out. The touch-screen isn't responding, and the screen is barely visible at best.
Fuck.
In the morning I will ask my mom where the rice is, and try to dry out as much water as possible. But I am already expecting the worst. Interestingly enough, it still syncs to my computer, so there may be hope.
But right now it looks like I will be selling a ton of crap to get $200 so I can get a refurbished iPod
Maybe I should start a Paypal donation button...
Until next time, Bojac.
So I was thinking of settling down for a quiet evening, but about 10:30 I notice that I got a text message from J saying "Ne, come over to Joon's".
Right Now?
"Yes, I am on my way now."
Okey doke, I figure "hey I want to get some snacks while on the way over". So I pack up my Netflixed Blu-Ray of Iron Man and my other gadgets, (IMPORTANT LATER) and head off to Kroger's where I pick up a box of Zebra Cakes. I drive over to Joon's, nobody is home. J pulls up right behind me, he says that Joon is done with Friday Night Magic at 11 and he should be here by now. We hang outside Joon's trailer for 10 minutes tops, and J wants to hop in my car and drive to Star City to find Joon. I decide to just wait it out a couple more minutes, and sure enough Jon arrives.
We all sit around for a bit, and chit-chat. When J mentions "Did I tell you I hit another car?"
WHAT.
"Yeah, like Yesterday, I had my foot off the brake and leaned over to grab something at a stop-light and WHUMP. I hit someone."
And then what happened?
"The guy got out of his car, looked at the back of his car, got back in the car, and drove off"
How the hell do you manage to get away with that so many times?
"Dunno, did I tell you that Wednesday night I got pulled over too?"
YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
"Nope."
J that is definitive proof that God exists.
You see, Wednesday night; J, Joon, Myself, Tyler, and another guy named Nathan were over at Joon's playing cards. Around 2 in the morning we all left at the same time, and J started driving crazily (in the on-coming lane, honking horns, speeding) like he usually does. Now we were on a stretch of Peter's Creek Road that is INFESTED with Cops on most nights. That whole time he was doing that, I was thinking to myself "Please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over..."
So I told him, that I kept hoping he would get pulled over, sure enough...WOO-HOO!
"I didn't get a ticket, I think the Cop liked my 'bumper sticker'."
I say 'bumper sticker' because what he did was print "The U.S. Constitution Is My President" on like a home printer, and then covered it in packing tape. Yes, I do realize how much of a dumbass he is for making a statement like that. Which leads to the second part of the story.
J has become retarded, essentially.
J saw a little movie called "Loose Change", you know, the one where some college dropouts try to provide "evidence" that 9-11 was caused by the Government. Which I find hilarious (although annoying), because J a couple years ago ridiculed anyone who believed in a higher power because of "blind faith". Here he is, believing blindly the words of any conspiracy theory on the internet simply because "the internet is more trustworthy than the tv" (which to some degree can be true, but there is a lot of shit out there). J has backed off recently about 9-11 since we're smarter than him.
But now he has moved on to "Modern Medicine is bad for you", because sure enough, he found a website that said that bad things are in vaccines. Simply because the person saying it "has a PHD" (probably not in medicine I.M.O.) and some other bullshit. He refuses to back down on this, to the point that he literally pissed off his entire Geology class because he gave a presentation about it. He now eats only organic foods, and verbally abuses us for not doing so. (Now I am not saying Organic foods are bad, but he is taking this obsession WAY too far) I have already tried to point out that Cancer treatments are full of horrible things, but here's the thing THEY KILL CANCER CELLS.
But J has selective hearing, and will never take anything I say seriously. Oh and the Government is going to force everyone to take vaccines that will kill you. (He's gone insane)
This led to today, he said that Obama is trying to pass bills that will make all light-bulbs be replaced with fluorescent ones (you know, the spiral ones that last like 5 years and run on 10% of the power) and this apparently is a bad thing because...
There are bad things inside the light-bulbs. (He likes to talk about Mercury, but then he downs 2 Fish-Oil pills a day...)
I kept saying "Well then don't eat light-bulbs, it's as simple as that". But no he kept saying there are bad things in the light-bulbs, and that if you broke one open and breathed it in, you'd be breathing in Mercury and other things. "Ok J, then don't breath in the stuff in light-bulbs" But he wouldn't shut up. He kept arguing about it, even though YOU CAN AVOID THE PROBLEM THROUGH COMMON SENSE!!! I know that engine exhaust has bad stuff in it, so I don't stand behind a running car and breathe in tail-pipe fumes. IT'S COMMON SENSE!
Saruman the wise has abandoned reason for madness!
I forget what happened later, but he went into Jawn's room to prove some point. And five seconds later he comes back with a quote FROM THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY.
J, that is a Government Agency, when did you start believing in what the Government tells you?
Again, selective hearing.
"See I proved that I am right!"
J, your source is from a Government Agency, you've been telling us to not trust the Government for over a year!
"But I proved that I am right!"
You see what he has become? He's retarded! And not the good "Rain Man" kind either.
He left shortly after, Joon broke a light-bulb to prove that he wouldn't die and J ran out the door moments later. (He is still texting me, that a haz-mat crew has to clean that up, but you can't reason with him that the amount of toxins in ONE LIGHT-BULB will NEVER KILL YOU)
Did I forget to tell you that earlier today he said "they're not conspiracy theories, they're the TRUTH"?
But here's where Karma proved that she is cruel mistress.
Remember how I hoped that J would get pulled over, and sure enough he did? Oh and remember how I gathered all my electronic gadgets? While at Kroger I noticed that I didn't have my iPod.
Odd, I guess I left it on my dresser.
Well when I returned home late tonight, I go to my room AND NO IPOD! I look through my room. Nothing. The house. Nothing. My Car. Nothing. So I checked my pockets again. Sure enough THERE IS A HOLE IN MY RIGHT POCKET. (Where I usually keep my phone and iPod) So I figure that it's worth a shot to drive to Kroger and ask. Nothing there. So I drive home all sad. I had been using a flashlight to search my car earlier, and had it on as I walked up to my house.
When I see a familiar glimmer reflecting the flashlight's light.
MY IPOD!
Did I mention that this was TODAY, as in...it's been raining for like two days straight? And that it was pouring at the time of my discovery?
Right now I've got my iPod sitting near a fan, hoping it will dry out. The touch-screen isn't responding, and the screen is barely visible at best.
Fuck.
In the morning I will ask my mom where the rice is, and try to dry out as much water as possible. But I am already expecting the worst. Interestingly enough, it still syncs to my computer, so there may be hope.
But right now it looks like I will be selling a ton of crap to get $200 so I can get a refurbished iPod
Maybe I should start a Paypal donation button...
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Eight: Chaos Crew. CC For Life.
So Senior Year was when I really got to know the man who would later be known as Joon. The year before, I thought he was kind of a weird fella. He claimed to have gone to Woodrow Wilson and sat beside me in Mr. Reames’ class but I have no recollection of him…unless he was the kid that I punched in the chest (I forget why), because I remember doing that to a dude that I sat next to in Reames’. He was able to point out certain events that happened in the class (like the big, black girl chewed on a gel pen too hard, broke it and was spitting pinkish-purple ink), but I still remain suspicious. He has no reason to lie, but only one person has ever said that he was ever there. (He does have a picture in the year book so I guess I concede)
Well that got away from me a little.
The point I was trying to make was that Joon was good buddies with a guy we will call “Shibby”. Shibby was one of those chemically unbalanced kids I figure. He was fluent in German (he's an American), to the point that he had a German exchange student come stay with him for a month or so. But nonetheless he was a really funny bastard. This chapter is largely dedicated to him and the group of hooligans he lead (myself included under the guise of "The Communist") that he would dub the “Chaos Crew”.
The first major incident that I can recall from the group was based on a gag from South Park. There was an episode where Stan took a dump in a urinal. Bingo. The day after, one of the members (it never came to light who did it, but I have my suspicions) naturally left a “chocolate hot dog” in the urinal of the E Hall bathroom. Now I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I went to Northside High School and nothing ever really happened at that school so it was a big deal for them.
But that wasn’t quite the end.
The next day, an unknown member proceeded to drop off the kids in the sink of the same bathroom. Which I think is hilarious, because if somebody walked in to that bathroom then whoever it was would have been caught hunkered down on the sink. Atleast in the urinal there was a buffer zone and you’d have a second to cover yourself.
Did I mention that this was just the first test run of the organization?
Before I leap into the next piece, I should tell you a little about our principal. Mr. Dent (I think he’s still there). Now the Dent was a relatively cool fellow, but I forget the incident that led to it, but he had all the grades meet in the auditorium where he told the epic speech of how he would “Power-bomb your mom, your dad, your grandma, and your dog” if he caught anybody else causing a ruckus. Now this was comedy gold, and at the time, the Chaos Crew ran an underground message board for the school. Now remember our old pal “James”? Well he photoshopped a picture of the principal onto a picture of a naked black man who appeared to be “entering” through the rear of a giant stuffed purple penguin. The caption read “I’ll rape your grandma, your dog, and your purple penguin.” This was naturally spread all around the school and its legacy has not been forgotten.
But here is where things jump from “inconveniencing the janitors” to “criminal mischief”.
It was the Friday night that Rocky Balboa came out. Every boy in our graduating class was there in that theater to see the movie. But most importantly was myself, Shibby, and Joon. After the movie, we were all wide awake and pumped up from Rocky Rage. When Shibby turns to us and said “you want to go egg the homeless guys downtown”?
Oh hell yes.
So we hop in Shibby’s car and ride downtown (after stopping at Walgreens and buying eggs). We drive by where the homeless people stay, and sure enough; there are a bunch of sleeping bags laid out on the pavement, daww look at them...sleeping like a bunch of little angels.
“Spare no one”
We all stayed in the safety of the car as Shibby unloads about 6 or 7 eggs, Joon and I watched. (I naturally had my camera out videotaping) Shibby then floors it and we ride off into the night.
But we still had 5 or 6 eggs left. The rest of eggs were unleashed by all of us on some unsuspecting cars nearby.
About a week later, Shibby told me that they were all going out to terrorize the homeless again. I don’t remember why I couldn’t go, but I leant out the camera in my stay. What I got back was about 10 minutes of Shibby narrating from his car as two more members in the car infront of his paintballed the hell out of some bystanders. It is then followed by them lighting up cars and houses in the Lincoln Terrace projects. Along with the camera, I sent with them a plastic bag full of the nastiest things I could find (mustard, fish sauce, steak sauce, mayonnaise, and a variety of hot sauces including an entire bottle of some like super concentrated hot sauce with a scoville rating of like 1,000,000) and they dumped it on some poor unsuspecting shmuck’s car.
That was the last outing I was directly involved in.
*Editor's Note* But my personal favorite story is this one.
One night the Chaos Crew went downtown looking for people to mess with. Now for weeks, Shibby had kept some old packets of sour cream that had gone bad. Whoever they ran into was in trouble.
So naturally they ran into a hooker.
They pulled up beside her, roll the windows down; she struts over to the car and leans over into the window. She is promptly met with a good cup and a half of nasty, old sour cream.
So I am sure you are wondering what happened to the Chaos Crew. Well most of us are still in town, most of them are at College getting degrees in Engineering…and Shibby? Well he became a Fire Fighter for the Air Force. He is currently stationed in Iraq, but at one point he was stationed in Germany and tore up a ton of German tail while he was there.
“You know how I feel about the Red-heads man.”
- Tune in next time, I promise the next one will be all about Subway.
Until next time, Bojac.
Well that got away from me a little.
The point I was trying to make was that Joon was good buddies with a guy we will call “Shibby”. Shibby was one of those chemically unbalanced kids I figure. He was fluent in German (he's an American), to the point that he had a German exchange student come stay with him for a month or so. But nonetheless he was a really funny bastard. This chapter is largely dedicated to him and the group of hooligans he lead (myself included under the guise of "The Communist") that he would dub the “Chaos Crew”.
The first major incident that I can recall from the group was based on a gag from South Park. There was an episode where Stan took a dump in a urinal. Bingo. The day after, one of the members (it never came to light who did it, but I have my suspicions) naturally left a “chocolate hot dog” in the urinal of the E Hall bathroom. Now I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I went to Northside High School and nothing ever really happened at that school so it was a big deal for them.
But that wasn’t quite the end.
The next day, an unknown member proceeded to drop off the kids in the sink of the same bathroom. Which I think is hilarious, because if somebody walked in to that bathroom then whoever it was would have been caught hunkered down on the sink. Atleast in the urinal there was a buffer zone and you’d have a second to cover yourself.
Did I mention that this was just the first test run of the organization?
Before I leap into the next piece, I should tell you a little about our principal. Mr. Dent (I think he’s still there). Now the Dent was a relatively cool fellow, but I forget the incident that led to it, but he had all the grades meet in the auditorium where he told the epic speech of how he would “Power-bomb your mom, your dad, your grandma, and your dog” if he caught anybody else causing a ruckus. Now this was comedy gold, and at the time, the Chaos Crew ran an underground message board for the school. Now remember our old pal “James”? Well he photoshopped a picture of the principal onto a picture of a naked black man who appeared to be “entering” through the rear of a giant stuffed purple penguin. The caption read “I’ll rape your grandma, your dog, and your purple penguin.” This was naturally spread all around the school and its legacy has not been forgotten.
But here is where things jump from “inconveniencing the janitors” to “criminal mischief”.
It was the Friday night that Rocky Balboa came out. Every boy in our graduating class was there in that theater to see the movie. But most importantly was myself, Shibby, and Joon. After the movie, we were all wide awake and pumped up from Rocky Rage. When Shibby turns to us and said “you want to go egg the homeless guys downtown”?
Oh hell yes.
So we hop in Shibby’s car and ride downtown (after stopping at Walgreens and buying eggs). We drive by where the homeless people stay, and sure enough; there are a bunch of sleeping bags laid out on the pavement, daww look at them...sleeping like a bunch of little angels.
“Spare no one”
We all stayed in the safety of the car as Shibby unloads about 6 or 7 eggs, Joon and I watched. (I naturally had my camera out videotaping) Shibby then floors it and we ride off into the night.
But we still had 5 or 6 eggs left. The rest of eggs were unleashed by all of us on some unsuspecting cars nearby.
About a week later, Shibby told me that they were all going out to terrorize the homeless again. I don’t remember why I couldn’t go, but I leant out the camera in my stay. What I got back was about 10 minutes of Shibby narrating from his car as two more members in the car infront of his paintballed the hell out of some bystanders. It is then followed by them lighting up cars and houses in the Lincoln Terrace projects. Along with the camera, I sent with them a plastic bag full of the nastiest things I could find (mustard, fish sauce, steak sauce, mayonnaise, and a variety of hot sauces including an entire bottle of some like super concentrated hot sauce with a scoville rating of like 1,000,000) and they dumped it on some poor unsuspecting shmuck’s car.
That was the last outing I was directly involved in.
*Editor's Note* But my personal favorite story is this one.
One night the Chaos Crew went downtown looking for people to mess with. Now for weeks, Shibby had kept some old packets of sour cream that had gone bad. Whoever they ran into was in trouble.
So naturally they ran into a hooker.
They pulled up beside her, roll the windows down; she struts over to the car and leans over into the window. She is promptly met with a good cup and a half of nasty, old sour cream.
So I am sure you are wondering what happened to the Chaos Crew. Well most of us are still in town, most of them are at College getting degrees in Engineering…and Shibby? Well he became a Fire Fighter for the Air Force. He is currently stationed in Iraq, but at one point he was stationed in Germany and tore up a ton of German tail while he was there.
“You know how I feel about the Red-heads man.”
- Tune in next time, I promise the next one will be all about Subway.
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Seven: Rise Of The Bewt & The Shrine Of Dirty Dan.
Ah…the secret origin of Bewt and ‘Dirty’ Dan.
Many moons ago, a little Asian boy was born...
Then bad shit happened to him.
Why is he called “Bewt” you ask? Naturally that was my first question as well.
“Because he’s bewt”, J told me.
But the real reason is because he has a large boot to help him walk. Not too big of a deal, I know another dude who has a big shoe to help him walk. But his boot does give off a distinct sound, so you always know when he's coming up behind you. (DON'T LET HIM TOUCH YOU!)
I was introduced to Bewt through Joon and J. They met Bewt through some weekly game night. (It’s lame and I never got into it) I forget why I was initially brought in to meet the Bewt. But the point stands that one day, Joon and J said “we’re going over to this kid named Bewt’s house to play Smash Bros.” I thought “Ok, how bad can it be?”
When I first walked in to the house, something struck me as odd...
Oh, they have separate altar things to Buddha and Jesus. That’s what it was.
Whatever your opinion on religion is, I don’t care. I just find it interesting is all. Maybe they believe in the Jesus and followed Buddha’s spiritualism stuff. Or maybe I am totally wrong and they are trying to make Buddha and Jesus compete for their faith…buncha assholes.
But I digress.
When I first met Bewt, my heart sank. I knew the instant I saw him that Joon and J (but mostly J) were only around him to take advantage of Bewt’s hospitality (and his obliviousness). Now J’s philosophy of “I'm poor, they're richer than me, so I can steal from them…and it’s ok” sure liked to rear its ugly head at Bewt’s. I have no idea how much food J got Bewt to make him but it had to be in the high hundreds of dollars Americano. From what I understand, Bewt’s dad is a doctor (what with being Asian and all) and thus is rather wealthy. So all Bewt would have to do is ask his parents for some money and boom! J got free Ruby Tuesday, or whatever.
But before I tell you anymore, I have to introduce ‘Dirty’ Dan.
Dirty Dan was Bewt’s dearest friend. For years he had been riding the “Bewt gravy train”. Naturally, this lead to some friction between J and Dirty Dan…
With Dirty Dan around, J had competition for free crap; on top of that, Dirty Dan likes to brag about his skill in the video games. Which is not really skill...so much as it’s him watching other people play, then he figures out which character is broken, and then spam the shit out of moves.
And whenever he lost (and it happens quite frequently), it was never…EVER his fault.
To top it all off, he thinks he knows everything about anything.
To make fun of him, Joon and J made up a fictional restaurant called “Dixie Chicks”.
(Impersonating Dirty Dan’s Voice) “Dixie Chicks? Oh hell yeah I’ve been there! I fucked the manager there. I mean c’mon the #8? The Dirty Dan Burger? That was named after me.”
But enough about him, I just wanted to establish the parallels between J and Dirty Dan.
Wait no, I’m not done. Did I mention that Dirty Dan had sex with J’s girlfriend?
No? Well sit down children…
Ok, so before J and his girlfriend hooked up. She was Dirty Dan’s girlfriend, then they had sex, and she broke up with him almost immediately afterward and started spreading it around that Dirty Dan has a tiny dick. Now J will never ever concede to the fact that his dick and Dirty Dan’s dick were in the same place…that they are in all legal senses “wiener cousins” (the bond that must not be broken). His reasoning is that “his dick is so tiny that it didn’t really count”. In fact, we hung out earlier tonight, and I brought up that he and Dirty Dan are wiener cousins and he stands by that "it is mathematically impossible for him to have sex with a girl" and he then proceeded to bash Dirty Dan. but the fact still stands…and I think in J’s cold black heart he knows this.
Because the first opportunity he had, J roundhouse-kicked Dirty Dan in the head.
On top of having a 39 foot prehensile penis, every achievement ever created on Xbox Live & PSN combined, being unstoopable in every video game ever made, and being able to lay any chick he set his sights on… Dirty Dan apparently spent 3 years in China learning kung-fu from Grand Master Pai Mei and kickboxing from the 40 thieves of Ali-Baba.
Ok so maybe I exaggerated a little, but he thinks he’s tuff stuff, and since he can combo out in Street Fighter 4 then he naturally can do all those moves irl. So he wanted to spar with J. (Remember J had been in tae kwon do for a year by this point)
BOOM! HEADSHOT!
Dan had to lie down for an hour and took some Advil. (No head gear, and like a dick...J had his shoes on)
That probably had some contribution as to why we are never allowed over at Bewt’s house again. (It didn’t happen there, it happened somewhere else, but there was likely some grudge)
That and we kind of broke into his house. (But not really)
Ok not really, but what had happened was one night, we were over at Bewts having a lovely time. For one reason or another, we left our boxes of DBZ cards over in his basement. Of course we had to get those back. DBZ is life.
The next day, we got a back-door key from Bewt (who was at Game Night) and went to his house. From what I understand, it never occurred for Bewt to tell his parents that we were coming over to get our things. So we went in through the back to get our things and to try and not disturb his family...His parents didn’t like that.
So our friendship with Bewt waned. To the point that J and I try to avoid him and Dirty Dan as much as possible. But their legacies will never be forgotten...
*Editor's Note* I couldn’t figure out how to work this into the over-arching story, but here are couple “deleted scenes” that happened during our tenure at Bewt’s:
One thing I need to establish is that Bewt likes to touch da wimmen. Especially the white wimmen that think they are Asian.
Remember K? Well Bewt developed a stalker-like crush on her. (But don’t worry; K was totally oblivious to this)
One of the first warning signs was when he asked if “Joon had seen K’s bewbs”. But I figured, "Meh, it's a fair enough question, Joon and K had dated for a year"
The biggest “oh shit” moment happened on another night at Bewt’s. K was present (because she and Tood are inseparable) and at one point in the night, Bewt yells “Random Hug Tiem!”
Now I am not an idiot (and neither is Joon...sometimes), and at the time, K and I were on good terms; I knew Bewt’s game was afoot and had only moments to stop him. Both Joon and I outstretched our arms to embrace Bewt. “I pick K!” Bewt yelled, we tried to catch him, but alas Joon and I were too slow.
Oh and Bewt had a fondness for saying “Tood stole K from me”. Which we naturally construed it to our own uses and it became a part of our slang. Nowadays we don’t even bother to make complete words, just the sounds. “DerDerDerDuuuur”(Tood stole K) “DerDuuuur” (From me). The sounds became very popular to say around K, until the events of Con-Men Vol. 2. In which J blatantly yelled the full saying to K.
Even Tood got in on it after that. The day K left to go study abroad for a semester, Tood was over at Joon’s trailer and every hour we all collectively yelled “Japan stole K…Japan stole K from meeee”.
Good times.
Bewt seems to have reconciled to the fact that K and him will never happen and moved on. He moved on from pretty, but annoying girls to not pretty, and because of that…even more annoying, girls. I don’t think he has ever been happier, because like I said earlier, the boy does like to touch da wimmen…and a crippled Asian stalker is the best they will ever get.
One final note on the Bewt; Check out this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7-VlGSx5ag This is the most accurate representation of Bewt I have ever seen. And on that note, I bid you adieu.
Until next time, Bojac.
Many moons ago, a little Asian boy was born...
Then bad shit happened to him.
Why is he called “Bewt” you ask? Naturally that was my first question as well.
“Because he’s bewt”, J told me.
But the real reason is because he has a large boot to help him walk. Not too big of a deal, I know another dude who has a big shoe to help him walk. But his boot does give off a distinct sound, so you always know when he's coming up behind you. (DON'T LET HIM TOUCH YOU!)
I was introduced to Bewt through Joon and J. They met Bewt through some weekly game night. (It’s lame and I never got into it) I forget why I was initially brought in to meet the Bewt. But the point stands that one day, Joon and J said “we’re going over to this kid named Bewt’s house to play Smash Bros.” I thought “Ok, how bad can it be?”
When I first walked in to the house, something struck me as odd...
Oh, they have separate altar things to Buddha and Jesus. That’s what it was.
Whatever your opinion on religion is, I don’t care. I just find it interesting is all. Maybe they believe in the Jesus and followed Buddha’s spiritualism stuff. Or maybe I am totally wrong and they are trying to make Buddha and Jesus compete for their faith…buncha assholes.
But I digress.
When I first met Bewt, my heart sank. I knew the instant I saw him that Joon and J (but mostly J) were only around him to take advantage of Bewt’s hospitality (and his obliviousness). Now J’s philosophy of “I'm poor, they're richer than me, so I can steal from them…and it’s ok” sure liked to rear its ugly head at Bewt’s. I have no idea how much food J got Bewt to make him but it had to be in the high hundreds of dollars Americano. From what I understand, Bewt’s dad is a doctor (what with being Asian and all) and thus is rather wealthy. So all Bewt would have to do is ask his parents for some money and boom! J got free Ruby Tuesday, or whatever.
But before I tell you anymore, I have to introduce ‘Dirty’ Dan.
Dirty Dan was Bewt’s dearest friend. For years he had been riding the “Bewt gravy train”. Naturally, this lead to some friction between J and Dirty Dan…
With Dirty Dan around, J had competition for free crap; on top of that, Dirty Dan likes to brag about his skill in the video games. Which is not really skill...so much as it’s him watching other people play, then he figures out which character is broken, and then spam the shit out of moves.
And whenever he lost (and it happens quite frequently), it was never…EVER his fault.
To top it all off, he thinks he knows everything about anything.
To make fun of him, Joon and J made up a fictional restaurant called “Dixie Chicks”.
(Impersonating Dirty Dan’s Voice) “Dixie Chicks? Oh hell yeah I’ve been there! I fucked the manager there. I mean c’mon the #8? The Dirty Dan Burger? That was named after me.”
But enough about him, I just wanted to establish the parallels between J and Dirty Dan.
Wait no, I’m not done. Did I mention that Dirty Dan had sex with J’s girlfriend?
No? Well sit down children…
Ok, so before J and his girlfriend hooked up. She was Dirty Dan’s girlfriend, then they had sex, and she broke up with him almost immediately afterward and started spreading it around that Dirty Dan has a tiny dick. Now J will never ever concede to the fact that his dick and Dirty Dan’s dick were in the same place…that they are in all legal senses “wiener cousins” (the bond that must not be broken). His reasoning is that “his dick is so tiny that it didn’t really count”. In fact, we hung out earlier tonight, and I brought up that he and Dirty Dan are wiener cousins and he stands by that "it is mathematically impossible for him to have sex with a girl" and he then proceeded to bash Dirty Dan. but the fact still stands…and I think in J’s cold black heart he knows this.
Because the first opportunity he had, J roundhouse-kicked Dirty Dan in the head.
On top of having a 39 foot prehensile penis, every achievement ever created on Xbox Live & PSN combined, being unstoopable in every video game ever made, and being able to lay any chick he set his sights on… Dirty Dan apparently spent 3 years in China learning kung-fu from Grand Master Pai Mei and kickboxing from the 40 thieves of Ali-Baba.
Ok so maybe I exaggerated a little, but he thinks he’s tuff stuff, and since he can combo out in Street Fighter 4 then he naturally can do all those moves irl. So he wanted to spar with J. (Remember J had been in tae kwon do for a year by this point)
BOOM! HEADSHOT!
Dan had to lie down for an hour and took some Advil. (No head gear, and like a dick...J had his shoes on)
That probably had some contribution as to why we are never allowed over at Bewt’s house again. (It didn’t happen there, it happened somewhere else, but there was likely some grudge)
That and we kind of broke into his house. (But not really)
Ok not really, but what had happened was one night, we were over at Bewts having a lovely time. For one reason or another, we left our boxes of DBZ cards over in his basement. Of course we had to get those back. DBZ is life.
The next day, we got a back-door key from Bewt (who was at Game Night) and went to his house. From what I understand, it never occurred for Bewt to tell his parents that we were coming over to get our things. So we went in through the back to get our things and to try and not disturb his family...His parents didn’t like that.
So our friendship with Bewt waned. To the point that J and I try to avoid him and Dirty Dan as much as possible. But their legacies will never be forgotten...
*Editor's Note* I couldn’t figure out how to work this into the over-arching story, but here are couple “deleted scenes” that happened during our tenure at Bewt’s:
One thing I need to establish is that Bewt likes to touch da wimmen. Especially the white wimmen that think they are Asian.
Remember K? Well Bewt developed a stalker-like crush on her. (But don’t worry; K was totally oblivious to this)
One of the first warning signs was when he asked if “Joon had seen K’s bewbs”. But I figured, "Meh, it's a fair enough question, Joon and K had dated for a year"
The biggest “oh shit” moment happened on another night at Bewt’s. K was present (because she and Tood are inseparable) and at one point in the night, Bewt yells “Random Hug Tiem!”
Now I am not an idiot (and neither is Joon...sometimes), and at the time, K and I were on good terms; I knew Bewt’s game was afoot and had only moments to stop him. Both Joon and I outstretched our arms to embrace Bewt. “I pick K!” Bewt yelled, we tried to catch him, but alas Joon and I were too slow.
Oh and Bewt had a fondness for saying “Tood stole K from me”. Which we naturally construed it to our own uses and it became a part of our slang. Nowadays we don’t even bother to make complete words, just the sounds. “DerDerDerDuuuur”(Tood stole K) “DerDuuuur” (From me). The sounds became very popular to say around K, until the events of Con-Men Vol. 2. In which J blatantly yelled the full saying to K.
Even Tood got in on it after that. The day K left to go study abroad for a semester, Tood was over at Joon’s trailer and every hour we all collectively yelled “Japan stole K…Japan stole K from meeee”.
Good times.
Bewt seems to have reconciled to the fact that K and him will never happen and moved on. He moved on from pretty, but annoying girls to not pretty, and because of that…even more annoying, girls. I don’t think he has ever been happier, because like I said earlier, the boy does like to touch da wimmen…and a crippled Asian stalker is the best they will ever get.
One final note on the Bewt; Check out this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7-VlGSx5ag This is the most accurate representation of Bewt I have ever seen. And on that note, I bid you adieu.
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Six: Showdown At Mr. Reames’.
So remember those little paper fortune tellers from elementary school?
Yeah, I learned how to make them. And I made a ton of them.
Remember how in 4th grade you learned how to make really badass paper-airplanes by folding the paper one more time?
I learned that in 1st grade.
It seems that throughout grade school, I developed an obsession with paper. Probably the biggest incident involving this came in 7th grade. Around that time is when we started making those “hornet” things, where you fold a slip of paper over and over again until it’s incredibly tough, then you fold it short ways and you have a little arrow that fit perfectly on a rubber band stretched between your thumb and forefinger.
I learned this from a cat I will call “Nathan”.
We had Science and Math together, taught by one of the coolest dudes on Earth. Mr. Fucking. Reames. We realized this when I was talking to somebody in his class and I happened to quote an animated video that said “Jar Jar is really, Chewbacca’s father” and from across the room I hear him yell “WHAT!”
But enough about him, this is about Me and Nathan.
We were obsessed with making those hornets and shooting them on top of a cabinet in Reames’ class. I am not kidding, literally every time he would turn his back…FLING! There would be another one shot up there. Our accuracy was astounding. We then started to get complacent and started writing things like “Property of Bojac” and “Property of Nathan” on the hornets. We thought the good times would never end.
We were wrong.
One day, Reames walked up to board (naturally by the time he had turned around, about 10 more hornets were shot up on top of the cabinet). He then wrote an absurdly large number on the board. He then said that it was how many hornets the janitor found up there. But then he said that the Janitor found some that said… and he starts to write on the board “Property of Bojac”, the whole room starts laughing. I knew that if we ever got caught, it would be funny as hell, and I was right. He then said that we had detention and we had to write apology letters.
A minor charge for such an epic deed.
That was my last year at the Woodrow Wilson Middle School. That summer I moved on to Roanoke County. But this story isn’t over yet...
Now in 11th grade I had the most boring Geometry teacher, ever. I hated that woman. So naturally I found things to do to occupy my time. (Fill my TI-84 with as many 1s and 0s as possible, hit on the Dominican chick that always sat by me) Then I noticed that we had these hanging lights in the room.
That’s a bingo!
So whenever the teacher would turn her back, I would throw one of my pre-crumpled balls of paper up and over the light. Once that light got completely covered with a layer of paper, I moved on to the next one over.
This time I never got in trouble. I would just be set back at square one when the janitor would clear them off.
But there’s one more piece to the story.
Our final assignment in that class was to partner up with somebody and using tissue paper and straws, we had to make a box-kite. Seemed easy enough, but man were we wrong. We were so far behind (we had a couple days to do it) that she took the whole class outside to fly their kites, while we were still finishing. This was the absolute last day of school, we had to have it finished before they came back or she would fail us on the assignment (and we would subsequently fail the class). With mere minutes left, we were nowhere near done. Then my wicked mind struck an idea…
For you see, in our room were the completed kites from earlier classes. One of which, had the same color Tissue Paper as ours...
We took our unfinished kite and shoved it my backpack. We grabbed the finished kite, scratched out the other kids’ names and ran outside. We flew that kite, got our A’s, all is well.
When the bell rang, we were still outside. We ran back into the classroom, and we threw the kite behind one of the teacher's cabinets. My partner went to his next class and before I could leave, the teacher stopped me and asked if she could see our kite, I told her “My partner ran off with it”…She bought it! She must have never pressed the issue, because we passed that class.
The lesson here is always do your work, or don’t get caught stealing other people’s work because it can make a hell of a story.
Until next time, Bojac.
Yeah, I learned how to make them. And I made a ton of them.
Remember how in 4th grade you learned how to make really badass paper-airplanes by folding the paper one more time?
I learned that in 1st grade.
It seems that throughout grade school, I developed an obsession with paper. Probably the biggest incident involving this came in 7th grade. Around that time is when we started making those “hornet” things, where you fold a slip of paper over and over again until it’s incredibly tough, then you fold it short ways and you have a little arrow that fit perfectly on a rubber band stretched between your thumb and forefinger.
I learned this from a cat I will call “Nathan”.
We had Science and Math together, taught by one of the coolest dudes on Earth. Mr. Fucking. Reames. We realized this when I was talking to somebody in his class and I happened to quote an animated video that said “Jar Jar is really, Chewbacca’s father” and from across the room I hear him yell “WHAT!”
But enough about him, this is about Me and Nathan.
We were obsessed with making those hornets and shooting them on top of a cabinet in Reames’ class. I am not kidding, literally every time he would turn his back…FLING! There would be another one shot up there. Our accuracy was astounding. We then started to get complacent and started writing things like “Property of Bojac” and “Property of Nathan” on the hornets. We thought the good times would never end.
We were wrong.
One day, Reames walked up to board (naturally by the time he had turned around, about 10 more hornets were shot up on top of the cabinet). He then wrote an absurdly large number on the board. He then said that it was how many hornets the janitor found up there. But then he said that the Janitor found some that said… and he starts to write on the board “Property of Bojac”, the whole room starts laughing. I knew that if we ever got caught, it would be funny as hell, and I was right. He then said that we had detention and we had to write apology letters.
A minor charge for such an epic deed.
That was my last year at the Woodrow Wilson Middle School. That summer I moved on to Roanoke County. But this story isn’t over yet...
Now in 11th grade I had the most boring Geometry teacher, ever. I hated that woman. So naturally I found things to do to occupy my time. (Fill my TI-84 with as many 1s and 0s as possible, hit on the Dominican chick that always sat by me) Then I noticed that we had these hanging lights in the room.
That’s a bingo!
So whenever the teacher would turn her back, I would throw one of my pre-crumpled balls of paper up and over the light. Once that light got completely covered with a layer of paper, I moved on to the next one over.
This time I never got in trouble. I would just be set back at square one when the janitor would clear them off.
But there’s one more piece to the story.
Our final assignment in that class was to partner up with somebody and using tissue paper and straws, we had to make a box-kite. Seemed easy enough, but man were we wrong. We were so far behind (we had a couple days to do it) that she took the whole class outside to fly their kites, while we were still finishing. This was the absolute last day of school, we had to have it finished before they came back or she would fail us on the assignment (and we would subsequently fail the class). With mere minutes left, we were nowhere near done. Then my wicked mind struck an idea…
For you see, in our room were the completed kites from earlier classes. One of which, had the same color Tissue Paper as ours...
We took our unfinished kite and shoved it my backpack. We grabbed the finished kite, scratched out the other kids’ names and ran outside. We flew that kite, got our A’s, all is well.
When the bell rang, we were still outside. We ran back into the classroom, and we threw the kite behind one of the teacher's cabinets. My partner went to his next class and before I could leave, the teacher stopped me and asked if she could see our kite, I told her “My partner ran off with it”…She bought it! She must have never pressed the issue, because we passed that class.
The lesson here is always do your work, or don’t get caught stealing other people’s work because it can make a hell of a story.
Until next time, Bojac.
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