Most of my best stories involve my hetero-life-mate J. This guy is a character to say the least. I’ve known him since 6th grade and hope to know him until the end of his life (because we both know that I will out-live him/kill him). Being around J changes you, he changes your appearance, he changes your demeanor, and he changes your speech pattern. Because of J (and to a lesser-extent Seean Paage) we have our words like “Ne”, “Barret”, “Wutai”, and “Feag”.
Feag can best be defined as meaning "Dude", "Friend", and "Fag" all rolled into one.
But for now, I have to tell you about the girl known as “Bitch-feag”. We call her that for obvious reasons, another reason being that we can’t remember her name. (I think it might have been Jessica) Bitch-feag, was a good friend of Joon’s little sister Oomy, now according to Bitch-feag, her dad used to beat her. (Probably for being a whore, but we’ll get to that) So naturally, Oomy had Bitch-feag move in with them.
Here’s where the problems start.
So according to Joon, when it was just him and Bitch-feag, she would always to try to sit real close to him and say things like “Oh there is just nothing to do around here, c’mon Joon, let’s find something to do” Now I say “according” because I refuse to believe that any girl, no matter how slutty, has ever hit on Joon. Not only that, but Joon says he turned her down.
So with her efforts on Joon a bust, she sets her sights on J. At this point of our lives, J and Joon were inseparable. J would skip school and so would Joon, they would stay up until 3 am playing Smash Bros. and then go to Waffle House. J effectively became part of Joon’s family. So with J constantly around, the two would inevitably meet.
This all came to the western-front when she made him French toast and lied down on the couch and put her head in J’s lap. This girl wanted J’s dick, in and around her mouth. J, not being a total idiot realized this and his heart was set on nailing this chick.
Now J and Oomy don’t always get a long, this was one of those times when they didn’t. Now it was a well-known fact that Joon’s family never locked their house, J and I went by to grab some DBZ cards we left there. I don’t remember what led us to this decision, but while we were there, we decided we were going to trash Joon’s room. So we snuck in, nobody was there, so we went to town on Joon’s room. Dumping his Yugioh cards everywhere, knocking shit over. Satisfied, we get ready to leave, when J spots some paper and some pens...
This is where he made his fatal mistake.
J tends to make fun of people’s weight problems, so when Oomy started putting on, he started hassling her. So he decided to draw Oomy (grossly overweight) doing it doggy style with her boyfriend. He made sure to leave it in the front door.
But we had not thought our cunning plan through, as we loaded our cards into my car, who should pull up but Bitch-feag and her “boyfriend”. “Run!” I shouted, we dove in the car and sped away.
Moments later we get a phone call from Oomy. She says that Bitch-feag said she called the police, saying we broke in and that she misinterpreted the drawing as herself.
Oh. Shit.
We went to our safe house...Danny’s. Since none of Joon’s family knew him, nor do they know where he lives. We stay there for the rest of the afternoon, until we got a phone call from Joon. Apparently, Bitch-feag did not call the police (shew!) and on top of that, his parents were upset at her for bringing over her boyfriend when she isn’t supposed to have people over and not us, because we were allowed over. Boy was Bitch-feag pissed.
This is when J realized that Bitch-feag was crazy (and a whore) and he was like “Oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? I was gonna have sex with that?” this is also where our favorite insult to her was coined by me. “The only thing positive about her is HIV”
The J/Bitch-feag drama came to a close, shortly afterwards, Bitch-feag called the Fire department and Bitch-feag’s dad called child services in an epic day. Oh and she started spreading mean rumors about Oomy. So her tenure at the Joon home was ended. We never saw her or heard from her again.
That was…
Until like last year or the year before that. I was at a Taco-bell with Dimm. Sure enough, I catch in the corner of my eye…Bitch-feag along with another boy. Thankfully we avoided contact, and we left shortly afterwards.
Oh and did I mention that she was very pregnant?
I love a happy ending. (And apparently she does too)
- Tune in next time, where my quick wit and evil mind save me from summer school.
Until next time, Bojac.
