This is probably one of my favorite stories involving my hetero-life-mate J.
This was our second semester out of High School, we were college students...we were top-shelf feags. Every Friday we went to Annie Moore's Pub (wearing special hats we bought just to wear at the Pub), and atleast once a week we would try a different restaurant nearby. On that fateful day, we chose Fire-House Subs.
After waiting close to half an hour to get our sammiches (the line was ridiculously long). We sat down to enjoy, but here's a fun factoid about J: He loves spicy foods, this kid puts Texas Pete on EVERYTHING (or Chalulu Sauce) and he said "fuck it, I want the hottest sauce they got". I forget what the name of the sauce was, he puts a good tablespoon or so on his sandwich and chows down. Moments later...
"Oh my gosh...OH my gosh...OH MY GOSH!"
That hot huh?
"My whole face is burning..."
Luckily I had enough time to eat my sandwich before he says, "I have to go to the bathroom NOW!". I am not 100% sure if there was a bathroom at that Fire-House Subs, but I know that we went into the Shopping Center to use the bathroom there.
"Bojac, I think I'm going to die."
We get to the bathroom safely, and he destroys it for the next 45 minutes. The noises of pain he made was so horrible, yet so funny since it wasn't happening to me.
Now after about 5 minutes, I get bored and wander into the Ram's Head Book Store just across the hall and start looking around. Forty minutes or so pass by...still no J. I hope he's alright.
I head back over to the bathroom, where I see him coming out.
"Wait, you weren't outside the door?"
No J, I was in the bookstore.
"For how long?"
About forty minutes.
"That wasn't you outside the bathroom?"
It turns out, that Justin had heard somebody outside the bathroom door. It was one of those onesie bathrooms where it's only one room with like a toilet and a sink on opposite ends. So if anybody else had to use the bathroom, they would have to wait. So Justin heard someone outside the door, and assumed it was me. Turns out, he was singing to what he thought was me. So I get this hilarious image in my head of J, sitting on a toilet, hands covering his face, singing "A Whole New World" to a stranger standing outside the bathroom door.
Until next time, Bojac.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Chapter Nine: Karma, She Is A Vile Woman.
I figure I would issue an emergency chapter after the events of tonight.
So I was thinking of settling down for a quiet evening, but about 10:30 I notice that I got a text message from J saying "Ne, come over to Joon's".
Right Now?
"Yes, I am on my way now."
Okey doke, I figure "hey I want to get some snacks while on the way over". So I pack up my Netflixed Blu-Ray of Iron Man and my other gadgets, (IMPORTANT LATER) and head off to Kroger's where I pick up a box of Zebra Cakes. I drive over to Joon's, nobody is home. J pulls up right behind me, he says that Joon is done with Friday Night Magic at 11 and he should be here by now. We hang outside Joon's trailer for 10 minutes tops, and J wants to hop in my car and drive to Star City to find Joon. I decide to just wait it out a couple more minutes, and sure enough Jon arrives.
We all sit around for a bit, and chit-chat. When J mentions "Did I tell you I hit another car?"
WHAT.
"Yeah, like Yesterday, I had my foot off the brake and leaned over to grab something at a stop-light and WHUMP. I hit someone."
And then what happened?
"The guy got out of his car, looked at the back of his car, got back in the car, and drove off"
How the hell do you manage to get away with that so many times?
"Dunno, did I tell you that Wednesday night I got pulled over too?"
YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
"Nope."
J that is definitive proof that God exists.
You see, Wednesday night; J, Joon, Myself, Tyler, and another guy named Nathan were over at Joon's playing cards. Around 2 in the morning we all left at the same time, and J started driving crazily (in the on-coming lane, honking horns, speeding) like he usually does. Now we were on a stretch of Peter's Creek Road that is INFESTED with Cops on most nights. That whole time he was doing that, I was thinking to myself "Please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over..."
So I told him, that I kept hoping he would get pulled over, sure enough...WOO-HOO!
"I didn't get a ticket, I think the Cop liked my 'bumper sticker'."
I say 'bumper sticker' because what he did was print "The U.S. Constitution Is My President" on like a home printer, and then covered it in packing tape. Yes, I do realize how much of a dumbass he is for making a statement like that. Which leads to the second part of the story.
J has become retarded, essentially.
J saw a little movie called "Loose Change", you know, the one where some college dropouts try to provide "evidence" that 9-11 was caused by the Government. Which I find hilarious (although annoying), because J a couple years ago ridiculed anyone who believed in a higher power because of "blind faith". Here he is, believing blindly the words of any conspiracy theory on the internet simply because "the internet is more trustworthy than the tv" (which to some degree can be true, but there is a lot of shit out there). J has backed off recently about 9-11 since we're smarter than him.
But now he has moved on to "Modern Medicine is bad for you", because sure enough, he found a website that said that bad things are in vaccines. Simply because the person saying it "has a PHD" (probably not in medicine I.M.O.) and some other bullshit. He refuses to back down on this, to the point that he literally pissed off his entire Geology class because he gave a presentation about it. He now eats only organic foods, and verbally abuses us for not doing so. (Now I am not saying Organic foods are bad, but he is taking this obsession WAY too far) I have already tried to point out that Cancer treatments are full of horrible things, but here's the thing THEY KILL CANCER CELLS.
But J has selective hearing, and will never take anything I say seriously. Oh and the Government is going to force everyone to take vaccines that will kill you. (He's gone insane)
This led to today, he said that Obama is trying to pass bills that will make all light-bulbs be replaced with fluorescent ones (you know, the spiral ones that last like 5 years and run on 10% of the power) and this apparently is a bad thing because...
There are bad things inside the light-bulbs. (He likes to talk about Mercury, but then he downs 2 Fish-Oil pills a day...)
I kept saying "Well then don't eat light-bulbs, it's as simple as that". But no he kept saying there are bad things in the light-bulbs, and that if you broke one open and breathed it in, you'd be breathing in Mercury and other things. "Ok J, then don't breath in the stuff in light-bulbs" But he wouldn't shut up. He kept arguing about it, even though YOU CAN AVOID THE PROBLEM THROUGH COMMON SENSE!!! I know that engine exhaust has bad stuff in it, so I don't stand behind a running car and breathe in tail-pipe fumes. IT'S COMMON SENSE!
Saruman the wise has abandoned reason for madness!
I forget what happened later, but he went into Jawn's room to prove some point. And five seconds later he comes back with a quote FROM THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY.
J, that is a Government Agency, when did you start believing in what the Government tells you?
Again, selective hearing.
"See I proved that I am right!"
J, your source is from a Government Agency, you've been telling us to not trust the Government for over a year!
"But I proved that I am right!"
You see what he has become? He's retarded! And not the good "Rain Man" kind either.
He left shortly after, Joon broke a light-bulb to prove that he wouldn't die and J ran out the door moments later. (He is still texting me, that a haz-mat crew has to clean that up, but you can't reason with him that the amount of toxins in ONE LIGHT-BULB will NEVER KILL YOU)
Did I forget to tell you that earlier today he said "they're not conspiracy theories, they're the TRUTH"?
But here's where Karma proved that she is cruel mistress.
Remember how I hoped that J would get pulled over, and sure enough he did? Oh and remember how I gathered all my electronic gadgets? While at Kroger I noticed that I didn't have my iPod.
Odd, I guess I left it on my dresser.
Well when I returned home late tonight, I go to my room AND NO IPOD! I look through my room. Nothing. The house. Nothing. My Car. Nothing. So I checked my pockets again. Sure enough THERE IS A HOLE IN MY RIGHT POCKET. (Where I usually keep my phone and iPod) So I figure that it's worth a shot to drive to Kroger and ask. Nothing there. So I drive home all sad. I had been using a flashlight to search my car earlier, and had it on as I walked up to my house.
When I see a familiar glimmer reflecting the flashlight's light.
MY IPOD!
Did I mention that this was TODAY, as in...it's been raining for like two days straight? And that it was pouring at the time of my discovery?
Right now I've got my iPod sitting near a fan, hoping it will dry out. The touch-screen isn't responding, and the screen is barely visible at best.
Fuck.
In the morning I will ask my mom where the rice is, and try to dry out as much water as possible. But I am already expecting the worst. Interestingly enough, it still syncs to my computer, so there may be hope.
But right now it looks like I will be selling a ton of crap to get $200 so I can get a refurbished iPod
Maybe I should start a Paypal donation button...
Until next time, Bojac.
So I was thinking of settling down for a quiet evening, but about 10:30 I notice that I got a text message from J saying "Ne, come over to Joon's".
Right Now?
"Yes, I am on my way now."
Okey doke, I figure "hey I want to get some snacks while on the way over". So I pack up my Netflixed Blu-Ray of Iron Man and my other gadgets, (IMPORTANT LATER) and head off to Kroger's where I pick up a box of Zebra Cakes. I drive over to Joon's, nobody is home. J pulls up right behind me, he says that Joon is done with Friday Night Magic at 11 and he should be here by now. We hang outside Joon's trailer for 10 minutes tops, and J wants to hop in my car and drive to Star City to find Joon. I decide to just wait it out a couple more minutes, and sure enough Jon arrives.
We all sit around for a bit, and chit-chat. When J mentions "Did I tell you I hit another car?"
WHAT.
"Yeah, like Yesterday, I had my foot off the brake and leaned over to grab something at a stop-light and WHUMP. I hit someone."
And then what happened?
"The guy got out of his car, looked at the back of his car, got back in the car, and drove off"
How the hell do you manage to get away with that so many times?
"Dunno, did I tell you that Wednesday night I got pulled over too?"
YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
"Nope."
J that is definitive proof that God exists.
You see, Wednesday night; J, Joon, Myself, Tyler, and another guy named Nathan were over at Joon's playing cards. Around 2 in the morning we all left at the same time, and J started driving crazily (in the on-coming lane, honking horns, speeding) like he usually does. Now we were on a stretch of Peter's Creek Road that is INFESTED with Cops on most nights. That whole time he was doing that, I was thinking to myself "Please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over, please let him get pulled over..."
So I told him, that I kept hoping he would get pulled over, sure enough...WOO-HOO!
"I didn't get a ticket, I think the Cop liked my 'bumper sticker'."
I say 'bumper sticker' because what he did was print "The U.S. Constitution Is My President" on like a home printer, and then covered it in packing tape. Yes, I do realize how much of a dumbass he is for making a statement like that. Which leads to the second part of the story.
J has become retarded, essentially.
J saw a little movie called "Loose Change", you know, the one where some college dropouts try to provide "evidence" that 9-11 was caused by the Government. Which I find hilarious (although annoying), because J a couple years ago ridiculed anyone who believed in a higher power because of "blind faith". Here he is, believing blindly the words of any conspiracy theory on the internet simply because "the internet is more trustworthy than the tv" (which to some degree can be true, but there is a lot of shit out there). J has backed off recently about 9-11 since we're smarter than him.
But now he has moved on to "Modern Medicine is bad for you", because sure enough, he found a website that said that bad things are in vaccines. Simply because the person saying it "has a PHD" (probably not in medicine I.M.O.) and some other bullshit. He refuses to back down on this, to the point that he literally pissed off his entire Geology class because he gave a presentation about it. He now eats only organic foods, and verbally abuses us for not doing so. (Now I am not saying Organic foods are bad, but he is taking this obsession WAY too far) I have already tried to point out that Cancer treatments are full of horrible things, but here's the thing THEY KILL CANCER CELLS.
But J has selective hearing, and will never take anything I say seriously. Oh and the Government is going to force everyone to take vaccines that will kill you. (He's gone insane)
This led to today, he said that Obama is trying to pass bills that will make all light-bulbs be replaced with fluorescent ones (you know, the spiral ones that last like 5 years and run on 10% of the power) and this apparently is a bad thing because...
There are bad things inside the light-bulbs. (He likes to talk about Mercury, but then he downs 2 Fish-Oil pills a day...)
I kept saying "Well then don't eat light-bulbs, it's as simple as that". But no he kept saying there are bad things in the light-bulbs, and that if you broke one open and breathed it in, you'd be breathing in Mercury and other things. "Ok J, then don't breath in the stuff in light-bulbs" But he wouldn't shut up. He kept arguing about it, even though YOU CAN AVOID THE PROBLEM THROUGH COMMON SENSE!!! I know that engine exhaust has bad stuff in it, so I don't stand behind a running car and breathe in tail-pipe fumes. IT'S COMMON SENSE!
Saruman the wise has abandoned reason for madness!
I forget what happened later, but he went into Jawn's room to prove some point. And five seconds later he comes back with a quote FROM THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY.
J, that is a Government Agency, when did you start believing in what the Government tells you?
Again, selective hearing.
"See I proved that I am right!"
J, your source is from a Government Agency, you've been telling us to not trust the Government for over a year!
"But I proved that I am right!"
You see what he has become? He's retarded! And not the good "Rain Man" kind either.
He left shortly after, Joon broke a light-bulb to prove that he wouldn't die and J ran out the door moments later. (He is still texting me, that a haz-mat crew has to clean that up, but you can't reason with him that the amount of toxins in ONE LIGHT-BULB will NEVER KILL YOU)
Did I forget to tell you that earlier today he said "they're not conspiracy theories, they're the TRUTH"?
But here's where Karma proved that she is cruel mistress.
Remember how I hoped that J would get pulled over, and sure enough he did? Oh and remember how I gathered all my electronic gadgets? While at Kroger I noticed that I didn't have my iPod.
Odd, I guess I left it on my dresser.
Well when I returned home late tonight, I go to my room AND NO IPOD! I look through my room. Nothing. The house. Nothing. My Car. Nothing. So I checked my pockets again. Sure enough THERE IS A HOLE IN MY RIGHT POCKET. (Where I usually keep my phone and iPod) So I figure that it's worth a shot to drive to Kroger and ask. Nothing there. So I drive home all sad. I had been using a flashlight to search my car earlier, and had it on as I walked up to my house.
When I see a familiar glimmer reflecting the flashlight's light.
MY IPOD!
Did I mention that this was TODAY, as in...it's been raining for like two days straight? And that it was pouring at the time of my discovery?
Right now I've got my iPod sitting near a fan, hoping it will dry out. The touch-screen isn't responding, and the screen is barely visible at best.
Fuck.
In the morning I will ask my mom where the rice is, and try to dry out as much water as possible. But I am already expecting the worst. Interestingly enough, it still syncs to my computer, so there may be hope.
But right now it looks like I will be selling a ton of crap to get $200 so I can get a refurbished iPod
Maybe I should start a Paypal donation button...
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Eight: Chaos Crew. CC For Life.
So Senior Year was when I really got to know the man who would later be known as Joon. The year before, I thought he was kind of a weird fella. He claimed to have gone to Woodrow Wilson and sat beside me in Mr. Reames’ class but I have no recollection of him…unless he was the kid that I punched in the chest (I forget why), because I remember doing that to a dude that I sat next to in Reames’. He was able to point out certain events that happened in the class (like the big, black girl chewed on a gel pen too hard, broke it and was spitting pinkish-purple ink), but I still remain suspicious. He has no reason to lie, but only one person has ever said that he was ever there. (He does have a picture in the year book so I guess I concede)
Well that got away from me a little.
The point I was trying to make was that Joon was good buddies with a guy we will call “Shibby”. Shibby was one of those chemically unbalanced kids I figure. He was fluent in German (he's an American), to the point that he had a German exchange student come stay with him for a month or so. But nonetheless he was a really funny bastard. This chapter is largely dedicated to him and the group of hooligans he lead (myself included under the guise of "The Communist") that he would dub the “Chaos Crew”.
The first major incident that I can recall from the group was based on a gag from South Park. There was an episode where Stan took a dump in a urinal. Bingo. The day after, one of the members (it never came to light who did it, but I have my suspicions) naturally left a “chocolate hot dog” in the urinal of the E Hall bathroom. Now I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I went to Northside High School and nothing ever really happened at that school so it was a big deal for them.
But that wasn’t quite the end.
The next day, an unknown member proceeded to drop off the kids in the sink of the same bathroom. Which I think is hilarious, because if somebody walked in to that bathroom then whoever it was would have been caught hunkered down on the sink. Atleast in the urinal there was a buffer zone and you’d have a second to cover yourself.
Did I mention that this was just the first test run of the organization?
Before I leap into the next piece, I should tell you a little about our principal. Mr. Dent (I think he’s still there). Now the Dent was a relatively cool fellow, but I forget the incident that led to it, but he had all the grades meet in the auditorium where he told the epic speech of how he would “Power-bomb your mom, your dad, your grandma, and your dog” if he caught anybody else causing a ruckus. Now this was comedy gold, and at the time, the Chaos Crew ran an underground message board for the school. Now remember our old pal “James”? Well he photoshopped a picture of the principal onto a picture of a naked black man who appeared to be “entering” through the rear of a giant stuffed purple penguin. The caption read “I’ll rape your grandma, your dog, and your purple penguin.” This was naturally spread all around the school and its legacy has not been forgotten.
But here is where things jump from “inconveniencing the janitors” to “criminal mischief”.
It was the Friday night that Rocky Balboa came out. Every boy in our graduating class was there in that theater to see the movie. But most importantly was myself, Shibby, and Joon. After the movie, we were all wide awake and pumped up from Rocky Rage. When Shibby turns to us and said “you want to go egg the homeless guys downtown”?
Oh hell yes.
So we hop in Shibby’s car and ride downtown (after stopping at Walgreens and buying eggs). We drive by where the homeless people stay, and sure enough; there are a bunch of sleeping bags laid out on the pavement, daww look at them...sleeping like a bunch of little angels.
“Spare no one”
We all stayed in the safety of the car as Shibby unloads about 6 or 7 eggs, Joon and I watched. (I naturally had my camera out videotaping) Shibby then floors it and we ride off into the night.
But we still had 5 or 6 eggs left. The rest of eggs were unleashed by all of us on some unsuspecting cars nearby.
About a week later, Shibby told me that they were all going out to terrorize the homeless again. I don’t remember why I couldn’t go, but I leant out the camera in my stay. What I got back was about 10 minutes of Shibby narrating from his car as two more members in the car infront of his paintballed the hell out of some bystanders. It is then followed by them lighting up cars and houses in the Lincoln Terrace projects. Along with the camera, I sent with them a plastic bag full of the nastiest things I could find (mustard, fish sauce, steak sauce, mayonnaise, and a variety of hot sauces including an entire bottle of some like super concentrated hot sauce with a scoville rating of like 1,000,000) and they dumped it on some poor unsuspecting shmuck’s car.
That was the last outing I was directly involved in.
*Editor's Note* But my personal favorite story is this one.
One night the Chaos Crew went downtown looking for people to mess with. Now for weeks, Shibby had kept some old packets of sour cream that had gone bad. Whoever they ran into was in trouble.
So naturally they ran into a hooker.
They pulled up beside her, roll the windows down; she struts over to the car and leans over into the window. She is promptly met with a good cup and a half of nasty, old sour cream.
So I am sure you are wondering what happened to the Chaos Crew. Well most of us are still in town, most of them are at College getting degrees in Engineering…and Shibby? Well he became a Fire Fighter for the Air Force. He is currently stationed in Iraq, but at one point he was stationed in Germany and tore up a ton of German tail while he was there.
“You know how I feel about the Red-heads man.”
- Tune in next time, I promise the next one will be all about Subway.
Until next time, Bojac.
Well that got away from me a little.
The point I was trying to make was that Joon was good buddies with a guy we will call “Shibby”. Shibby was one of those chemically unbalanced kids I figure. He was fluent in German (he's an American), to the point that he had a German exchange student come stay with him for a month or so. But nonetheless he was a really funny bastard. This chapter is largely dedicated to him and the group of hooligans he lead (myself included under the guise of "The Communist") that he would dub the “Chaos Crew”.
The first major incident that I can recall from the group was based on a gag from South Park. There was an episode where Stan took a dump in a urinal. Bingo. The day after, one of the members (it never came to light who did it, but I have my suspicions) naturally left a “chocolate hot dog” in the urinal of the E Hall bathroom. Now I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I went to Northside High School and nothing ever really happened at that school so it was a big deal for them.
But that wasn’t quite the end.
The next day, an unknown member proceeded to drop off the kids in the sink of the same bathroom. Which I think is hilarious, because if somebody walked in to that bathroom then whoever it was would have been caught hunkered down on the sink. Atleast in the urinal there was a buffer zone and you’d have a second to cover yourself.
Did I mention that this was just the first test run of the organization?
Before I leap into the next piece, I should tell you a little about our principal. Mr. Dent (I think he’s still there). Now the Dent was a relatively cool fellow, but I forget the incident that led to it, but he had all the grades meet in the auditorium where he told the epic speech of how he would “Power-bomb your mom, your dad, your grandma, and your dog” if he caught anybody else causing a ruckus. Now this was comedy gold, and at the time, the Chaos Crew ran an underground message board for the school. Now remember our old pal “James”? Well he photoshopped a picture of the principal onto a picture of a naked black man who appeared to be “entering” through the rear of a giant stuffed purple penguin. The caption read “I’ll rape your grandma, your dog, and your purple penguin.” This was naturally spread all around the school and its legacy has not been forgotten.
But here is where things jump from “inconveniencing the janitors” to “criminal mischief”.
It was the Friday night that Rocky Balboa came out. Every boy in our graduating class was there in that theater to see the movie. But most importantly was myself, Shibby, and Joon. After the movie, we were all wide awake and pumped up from Rocky Rage. When Shibby turns to us and said “you want to go egg the homeless guys downtown”?
Oh hell yes.
So we hop in Shibby’s car and ride downtown (after stopping at Walgreens and buying eggs). We drive by where the homeless people stay, and sure enough; there are a bunch of sleeping bags laid out on the pavement, daww look at them...sleeping like a bunch of little angels.
“Spare no one”
We all stayed in the safety of the car as Shibby unloads about 6 or 7 eggs, Joon and I watched. (I naturally had my camera out videotaping) Shibby then floors it and we ride off into the night.
But we still had 5 or 6 eggs left. The rest of eggs were unleashed by all of us on some unsuspecting cars nearby.
About a week later, Shibby told me that they were all going out to terrorize the homeless again. I don’t remember why I couldn’t go, but I leant out the camera in my stay. What I got back was about 10 minutes of Shibby narrating from his car as two more members in the car infront of his paintballed the hell out of some bystanders. It is then followed by them lighting up cars and houses in the Lincoln Terrace projects. Along with the camera, I sent with them a plastic bag full of the nastiest things I could find (mustard, fish sauce, steak sauce, mayonnaise, and a variety of hot sauces including an entire bottle of some like super concentrated hot sauce with a scoville rating of like 1,000,000) and they dumped it on some poor unsuspecting shmuck’s car.
That was the last outing I was directly involved in.
*Editor's Note* But my personal favorite story is this one.
One night the Chaos Crew went downtown looking for people to mess with. Now for weeks, Shibby had kept some old packets of sour cream that had gone bad. Whoever they ran into was in trouble.
So naturally they ran into a hooker.
They pulled up beside her, roll the windows down; she struts over to the car and leans over into the window. She is promptly met with a good cup and a half of nasty, old sour cream.
So I am sure you are wondering what happened to the Chaos Crew. Well most of us are still in town, most of them are at College getting degrees in Engineering…and Shibby? Well he became a Fire Fighter for the Air Force. He is currently stationed in Iraq, but at one point he was stationed in Germany and tore up a ton of German tail while he was there.
“You know how I feel about the Red-heads man.”
- Tune in next time, I promise the next one will be all about Subway.
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Seven: Rise Of The Bewt & The Shrine Of Dirty Dan.
Ah…the secret origin of Bewt and ‘Dirty’ Dan.
Many moons ago, a little Asian boy was born...
Then bad shit happened to him.
Why is he called “Bewt” you ask? Naturally that was my first question as well.
“Because he’s bewt”, J told me.
But the real reason is because he has a large boot to help him walk. Not too big of a deal, I know another dude who has a big shoe to help him walk. But his boot does give off a distinct sound, so you always know when he's coming up behind you. (DON'T LET HIM TOUCH YOU!)
I was introduced to Bewt through Joon and J. They met Bewt through some weekly game night. (It’s lame and I never got into it) I forget why I was initially brought in to meet the Bewt. But the point stands that one day, Joon and J said “we’re going over to this kid named Bewt’s house to play Smash Bros.” I thought “Ok, how bad can it be?”
When I first walked in to the house, something struck me as odd...
Oh, they have separate altar things to Buddha and Jesus. That’s what it was.
Whatever your opinion on religion is, I don’t care. I just find it interesting is all. Maybe they believe in the Jesus and followed Buddha’s spiritualism stuff. Or maybe I am totally wrong and they are trying to make Buddha and Jesus compete for their faith…buncha assholes.
But I digress.
When I first met Bewt, my heart sank. I knew the instant I saw him that Joon and J (but mostly J) were only around him to take advantage of Bewt’s hospitality (and his obliviousness). Now J’s philosophy of “I'm poor, they're richer than me, so I can steal from them…and it’s ok” sure liked to rear its ugly head at Bewt’s. I have no idea how much food J got Bewt to make him but it had to be in the high hundreds of dollars Americano. From what I understand, Bewt’s dad is a doctor (what with being Asian and all) and thus is rather wealthy. So all Bewt would have to do is ask his parents for some money and boom! J got free Ruby Tuesday, or whatever.
But before I tell you anymore, I have to introduce ‘Dirty’ Dan.
Dirty Dan was Bewt’s dearest friend. For years he had been riding the “Bewt gravy train”. Naturally, this lead to some friction between J and Dirty Dan…
With Dirty Dan around, J had competition for free crap; on top of that, Dirty Dan likes to brag about his skill in the video games. Which is not really skill...so much as it’s him watching other people play, then he figures out which character is broken, and then spam the shit out of moves.
And whenever he lost (and it happens quite frequently), it was never…EVER his fault.
To top it all off, he thinks he knows everything about anything.
To make fun of him, Joon and J made up a fictional restaurant called “Dixie Chicks”.
(Impersonating Dirty Dan’s Voice) “Dixie Chicks? Oh hell yeah I’ve been there! I fucked the manager there. I mean c’mon the #8? The Dirty Dan Burger? That was named after me.”
But enough about him, I just wanted to establish the parallels between J and Dirty Dan.
Wait no, I’m not done. Did I mention that Dirty Dan had sex with J’s girlfriend?
No? Well sit down children…
Ok, so before J and his girlfriend hooked up. She was Dirty Dan’s girlfriend, then they had sex, and she broke up with him almost immediately afterward and started spreading it around that Dirty Dan has a tiny dick. Now J will never ever concede to the fact that his dick and Dirty Dan’s dick were in the same place…that they are in all legal senses “wiener cousins” (the bond that must not be broken). His reasoning is that “his dick is so tiny that it didn’t really count”. In fact, we hung out earlier tonight, and I brought up that he and Dirty Dan are wiener cousins and he stands by that "it is mathematically impossible for him to have sex with a girl" and he then proceeded to bash Dirty Dan. but the fact still stands…and I think in J’s cold black heart he knows this.
Because the first opportunity he had, J roundhouse-kicked Dirty Dan in the head.
On top of having a 39 foot prehensile penis, every achievement ever created on Xbox Live & PSN combined, being unstoopable in every video game ever made, and being able to lay any chick he set his sights on… Dirty Dan apparently spent 3 years in China learning kung-fu from Grand Master Pai Mei and kickboxing from the 40 thieves of Ali-Baba.
Ok so maybe I exaggerated a little, but he thinks he’s tuff stuff, and since he can combo out in Street Fighter 4 then he naturally can do all those moves irl. So he wanted to spar with J. (Remember J had been in tae kwon do for a year by this point)
BOOM! HEADSHOT!
Dan had to lie down for an hour and took some Advil. (No head gear, and like a dick...J had his shoes on)
That probably had some contribution as to why we are never allowed over at Bewt’s house again. (It didn’t happen there, it happened somewhere else, but there was likely some grudge)
That and we kind of broke into his house. (But not really)
Ok not really, but what had happened was one night, we were over at Bewts having a lovely time. For one reason or another, we left our boxes of DBZ cards over in his basement. Of course we had to get those back. DBZ is life.
The next day, we got a back-door key from Bewt (who was at Game Night) and went to his house. From what I understand, it never occurred for Bewt to tell his parents that we were coming over to get our things. So we went in through the back to get our things and to try and not disturb his family...His parents didn’t like that.
So our friendship with Bewt waned. To the point that J and I try to avoid him and Dirty Dan as much as possible. But their legacies will never be forgotten...
*Editor's Note* I couldn’t figure out how to work this into the over-arching story, but here are couple “deleted scenes” that happened during our tenure at Bewt’s:
One thing I need to establish is that Bewt likes to touch da wimmen. Especially the white wimmen that think they are Asian.
Remember K? Well Bewt developed a stalker-like crush on her. (But don’t worry; K was totally oblivious to this)
One of the first warning signs was when he asked if “Joon had seen K’s bewbs”. But I figured, "Meh, it's a fair enough question, Joon and K had dated for a year"
The biggest “oh shit” moment happened on another night at Bewt’s. K was present (because she and Tood are inseparable) and at one point in the night, Bewt yells “Random Hug Tiem!”
Now I am not an idiot (and neither is Joon...sometimes), and at the time, K and I were on good terms; I knew Bewt’s game was afoot and had only moments to stop him. Both Joon and I outstretched our arms to embrace Bewt. “I pick K!” Bewt yelled, we tried to catch him, but alas Joon and I were too slow.
Oh and Bewt had a fondness for saying “Tood stole K from me”. Which we naturally construed it to our own uses and it became a part of our slang. Nowadays we don’t even bother to make complete words, just the sounds. “DerDerDerDuuuur”(Tood stole K) “DerDuuuur” (From me). The sounds became very popular to say around K, until the events of Con-Men Vol. 2. In which J blatantly yelled the full saying to K.
Even Tood got in on it after that. The day K left to go study abroad for a semester, Tood was over at Joon’s trailer and every hour we all collectively yelled “Japan stole K…Japan stole K from meeee”.
Good times.
Bewt seems to have reconciled to the fact that K and him will never happen and moved on. He moved on from pretty, but annoying girls to not pretty, and because of that…even more annoying, girls. I don’t think he has ever been happier, because like I said earlier, the boy does like to touch da wimmen…and a crippled Asian stalker is the best they will ever get.
One final note on the Bewt; Check out this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7-VlGSx5ag This is the most accurate representation of Bewt I have ever seen. And on that note, I bid you adieu.
Until next time, Bojac.
Many moons ago, a little Asian boy was born...
Then bad shit happened to him.
Why is he called “Bewt” you ask? Naturally that was my first question as well.
“Because he’s bewt”, J told me.
But the real reason is because he has a large boot to help him walk. Not too big of a deal, I know another dude who has a big shoe to help him walk. But his boot does give off a distinct sound, so you always know when he's coming up behind you. (DON'T LET HIM TOUCH YOU!)
I was introduced to Bewt through Joon and J. They met Bewt through some weekly game night. (It’s lame and I never got into it) I forget why I was initially brought in to meet the Bewt. But the point stands that one day, Joon and J said “we’re going over to this kid named Bewt’s house to play Smash Bros.” I thought “Ok, how bad can it be?”
When I first walked in to the house, something struck me as odd...
Oh, they have separate altar things to Buddha and Jesus. That’s what it was.
Whatever your opinion on religion is, I don’t care. I just find it interesting is all. Maybe they believe in the Jesus and followed Buddha’s spiritualism stuff. Or maybe I am totally wrong and they are trying to make Buddha and Jesus compete for their faith…buncha assholes.
But I digress.
When I first met Bewt, my heart sank. I knew the instant I saw him that Joon and J (but mostly J) were only around him to take advantage of Bewt’s hospitality (and his obliviousness). Now J’s philosophy of “I'm poor, they're richer than me, so I can steal from them…and it’s ok” sure liked to rear its ugly head at Bewt’s. I have no idea how much food J got Bewt to make him but it had to be in the high hundreds of dollars Americano. From what I understand, Bewt’s dad is a doctor (what with being Asian and all) and thus is rather wealthy. So all Bewt would have to do is ask his parents for some money and boom! J got free Ruby Tuesday, or whatever.
But before I tell you anymore, I have to introduce ‘Dirty’ Dan.
Dirty Dan was Bewt’s dearest friend. For years he had been riding the “Bewt gravy train”. Naturally, this lead to some friction between J and Dirty Dan…
With Dirty Dan around, J had competition for free crap; on top of that, Dirty Dan likes to brag about his skill in the video games. Which is not really skill...so much as it’s him watching other people play, then he figures out which character is broken, and then spam the shit out of moves.
And whenever he lost (and it happens quite frequently), it was never…EVER his fault.
To top it all off, he thinks he knows everything about anything.
To make fun of him, Joon and J made up a fictional restaurant called “Dixie Chicks”.
(Impersonating Dirty Dan’s Voice) “Dixie Chicks? Oh hell yeah I’ve been there! I fucked the manager there. I mean c’mon the #8? The Dirty Dan Burger? That was named after me.”
But enough about him, I just wanted to establish the parallels between J and Dirty Dan.
Wait no, I’m not done. Did I mention that Dirty Dan had sex with J’s girlfriend?
No? Well sit down children…
Ok, so before J and his girlfriend hooked up. She was Dirty Dan’s girlfriend, then they had sex, and she broke up with him almost immediately afterward and started spreading it around that Dirty Dan has a tiny dick. Now J will never ever concede to the fact that his dick and Dirty Dan’s dick were in the same place…that they are in all legal senses “wiener cousins” (the bond that must not be broken). His reasoning is that “his dick is so tiny that it didn’t really count”. In fact, we hung out earlier tonight, and I brought up that he and Dirty Dan are wiener cousins and he stands by that "it is mathematically impossible for him to have sex with a girl" and he then proceeded to bash Dirty Dan. but the fact still stands…and I think in J’s cold black heart he knows this.
Because the first opportunity he had, J roundhouse-kicked Dirty Dan in the head.
On top of having a 39 foot prehensile penis, every achievement ever created on Xbox Live & PSN combined, being unstoopable in every video game ever made, and being able to lay any chick he set his sights on… Dirty Dan apparently spent 3 years in China learning kung-fu from Grand Master Pai Mei and kickboxing from the 40 thieves of Ali-Baba.
Ok so maybe I exaggerated a little, but he thinks he’s tuff stuff, and since he can combo out in Street Fighter 4 then he naturally can do all those moves irl. So he wanted to spar with J. (Remember J had been in tae kwon do for a year by this point)
BOOM! HEADSHOT!
Dan had to lie down for an hour and took some Advil. (No head gear, and like a dick...J had his shoes on)
That probably had some contribution as to why we are never allowed over at Bewt’s house again. (It didn’t happen there, it happened somewhere else, but there was likely some grudge)
That and we kind of broke into his house. (But not really)
Ok not really, but what had happened was one night, we were over at Bewts having a lovely time. For one reason or another, we left our boxes of DBZ cards over in his basement. Of course we had to get those back. DBZ is life.
The next day, we got a back-door key from Bewt (who was at Game Night) and went to his house. From what I understand, it never occurred for Bewt to tell his parents that we were coming over to get our things. So we went in through the back to get our things and to try and not disturb his family...His parents didn’t like that.
So our friendship with Bewt waned. To the point that J and I try to avoid him and Dirty Dan as much as possible. But their legacies will never be forgotten...
*Editor's Note* I couldn’t figure out how to work this into the over-arching story, but here are couple “deleted scenes” that happened during our tenure at Bewt’s:
One thing I need to establish is that Bewt likes to touch da wimmen. Especially the white wimmen that think they are Asian.
Remember K? Well Bewt developed a stalker-like crush on her. (But don’t worry; K was totally oblivious to this)
One of the first warning signs was when he asked if “Joon had seen K’s bewbs”. But I figured, "Meh, it's a fair enough question, Joon and K had dated for a year"
The biggest “oh shit” moment happened on another night at Bewt’s. K was present (because she and Tood are inseparable) and at one point in the night, Bewt yells “Random Hug Tiem!”
Now I am not an idiot (and neither is Joon...sometimes), and at the time, K and I were on good terms; I knew Bewt’s game was afoot and had only moments to stop him. Both Joon and I outstretched our arms to embrace Bewt. “I pick K!” Bewt yelled, we tried to catch him, but alas Joon and I were too slow.
Oh and Bewt had a fondness for saying “Tood stole K from me”. Which we naturally construed it to our own uses and it became a part of our slang. Nowadays we don’t even bother to make complete words, just the sounds. “DerDerDerDuuuur”(Tood stole K) “DerDuuuur” (From me). The sounds became very popular to say around K, until the events of Con-Men Vol. 2. In which J blatantly yelled the full saying to K.
Even Tood got in on it after that. The day K left to go study abroad for a semester, Tood was over at Joon’s trailer and every hour we all collectively yelled “Japan stole K…Japan stole K from meeee”.
Good times.
Bewt seems to have reconciled to the fact that K and him will never happen and moved on. He moved on from pretty, but annoying girls to not pretty, and because of that…even more annoying, girls. I don’t think he has ever been happier, because like I said earlier, the boy does like to touch da wimmen…and a crippled Asian stalker is the best they will ever get.
One final note on the Bewt; Check out this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7-VlGSx5ag This is the most accurate representation of Bewt I have ever seen. And on that note, I bid you adieu.
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Six: Showdown At Mr. Reames’.
So remember those little paper fortune tellers from elementary school?
Yeah, I learned how to make them. And I made a ton of them.
Remember how in 4th grade you learned how to make really badass paper-airplanes by folding the paper one more time?
I learned that in 1st grade.
It seems that throughout grade school, I developed an obsession with paper. Probably the biggest incident involving this came in 7th grade. Around that time is when we started making those “hornet” things, where you fold a slip of paper over and over again until it’s incredibly tough, then you fold it short ways and you have a little arrow that fit perfectly on a rubber band stretched between your thumb and forefinger.
I learned this from a cat I will call “Nathan”.
We had Science and Math together, taught by one of the coolest dudes on Earth. Mr. Fucking. Reames. We realized this when I was talking to somebody in his class and I happened to quote an animated video that said “Jar Jar is really, Chewbacca’s father” and from across the room I hear him yell “WHAT!”
But enough about him, this is about Me and Nathan.
We were obsessed with making those hornets and shooting them on top of a cabinet in Reames’ class. I am not kidding, literally every time he would turn his back…FLING! There would be another one shot up there. Our accuracy was astounding. We then started to get complacent and started writing things like “Property of Bojac” and “Property of Nathan” on the hornets. We thought the good times would never end.
We were wrong.
One day, Reames walked up to board (naturally by the time he had turned around, about 10 more hornets were shot up on top of the cabinet). He then wrote an absurdly large number on the board. He then said that it was how many hornets the janitor found up there. But then he said that the Janitor found some that said… and he starts to write on the board “Property of Bojac”, the whole room starts laughing. I knew that if we ever got caught, it would be funny as hell, and I was right. He then said that we had detention and we had to write apology letters.
A minor charge for such an epic deed.
That was my last year at the Woodrow Wilson Middle School. That summer I moved on to Roanoke County. But this story isn’t over yet...
Now in 11th grade I had the most boring Geometry teacher, ever. I hated that woman. So naturally I found things to do to occupy my time. (Fill my TI-84 with as many 1s and 0s as possible, hit on the Dominican chick that always sat by me) Then I noticed that we had these hanging lights in the room.
That’s a bingo!
So whenever the teacher would turn her back, I would throw one of my pre-crumpled balls of paper up and over the light. Once that light got completely covered with a layer of paper, I moved on to the next one over.
This time I never got in trouble. I would just be set back at square one when the janitor would clear them off.
But there’s one more piece to the story.
Our final assignment in that class was to partner up with somebody and using tissue paper and straws, we had to make a box-kite. Seemed easy enough, but man were we wrong. We were so far behind (we had a couple days to do it) that she took the whole class outside to fly their kites, while we were still finishing. This was the absolute last day of school, we had to have it finished before they came back or she would fail us on the assignment (and we would subsequently fail the class). With mere minutes left, we were nowhere near done. Then my wicked mind struck an idea…
For you see, in our room were the completed kites from earlier classes. One of which, had the same color Tissue Paper as ours...
We took our unfinished kite and shoved it my backpack. We grabbed the finished kite, scratched out the other kids’ names and ran outside. We flew that kite, got our A’s, all is well.
When the bell rang, we were still outside. We ran back into the classroom, and we threw the kite behind one of the teacher's cabinets. My partner went to his next class and before I could leave, the teacher stopped me and asked if she could see our kite, I told her “My partner ran off with it”…She bought it! She must have never pressed the issue, because we passed that class.
The lesson here is always do your work, or don’t get caught stealing other people’s work because it can make a hell of a story.
Until next time, Bojac.
Yeah, I learned how to make them. And I made a ton of them.
Remember how in 4th grade you learned how to make really badass paper-airplanes by folding the paper one more time?
I learned that in 1st grade.
It seems that throughout grade school, I developed an obsession with paper. Probably the biggest incident involving this came in 7th grade. Around that time is when we started making those “hornet” things, where you fold a slip of paper over and over again until it’s incredibly tough, then you fold it short ways and you have a little arrow that fit perfectly on a rubber band stretched between your thumb and forefinger.
I learned this from a cat I will call “Nathan”.
We had Science and Math together, taught by one of the coolest dudes on Earth. Mr. Fucking. Reames. We realized this when I was talking to somebody in his class and I happened to quote an animated video that said “Jar Jar is really, Chewbacca’s father” and from across the room I hear him yell “WHAT!”
But enough about him, this is about Me and Nathan.
We were obsessed with making those hornets and shooting them on top of a cabinet in Reames’ class. I am not kidding, literally every time he would turn his back…FLING! There would be another one shot up there. Our accuracy was astounding. We then started to get complacent and started writing things like “Property of Bojac” and “Property of Nathan” on the hornets. We thought the good times would never end.
We were wrong.
One day, Reames walked up to board (naturally by the time he had turned around, about 10 more hornets were shot up on top of the cabinet). He then wrote an absurdly large number on the board. He then said that it was how many hornets the janitor found up there. But then he said that the Janitor found some that said… and he starts to write on the board “Property of Bojac”, the whole room starts laughing. I knew that if we ever got caught, it would be funny as hell, and I was right. He then said that we had detention and we had to write apology letters.
A minor charge for such an epic deed.
That was my last year at the Woodrow Wilson Middle School. That summer I moved on to Roanoke County. But this story isn’t over yet...
Now in 11th grade I had the most boring Geometry teacher, ever. I hated that woman. So naturally I found things to do to occupy my time. (Fill my TI-84 with as many 1s and 0s as possible, hit on the Dominican chick that always sat by me) Then I noticed that we had these hanging lights in the room.
That’s a bingo!
So whenever the teacher would turn her back, I would throw one of my pre-crumpled balls of paper up and over the light. Once that light got completely covered with a layer of paper, I moved on to the next one over.
This time I never got in trouble. I would just be set back at square one when the janitor would clear them off.
But there’s one more piece to the story.
Our final assignment in that class was to partner up with somebody and using tissue paper and straws, we had to make a box-kite. Seemed easy enough, but man were we wrong. We were so far behind (we had a couple days to do it) that she took the whole class outside to fly their kites, while we were still finishing. This was the absolute last day of school, we had to have it finished before they came back or she would fail us on the assignment (and we would subsequently fail the class). With mere minutes left, we were nowhere near done. Then my wicked mind struck an idea…
For you see, in our room were the completed kites from earlier classes. One of which, had the same color Tissue Paper as ours...
We took our unfinished kite and shoved it my backpack. We grabbed the finished kite, scratched out the other kids’ names and ran outside. We flew that kite, got our A’s, all is well.
When the bell rang, we were still outside. We ran back into the classroom, and we threw the kite behind one of the teacher's cabinets. My partner went to his next class and before I could leave, the teacher stopped me and asked if she could see our kite, I told her “My partner ran off with it”…She bought it! She must have never pressed the issue, because we passed that class.
The lesson here is always do your work, or don’t get caught stealing other people’s work because it can make a hell of a story.
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Five: The Misadventures Of Bitch-Feag.
Most of my best stories involve my hetero-life-mate J. This guy is a character to say the least. I’ve known him since 6th grade and hope to know him until the end of his life (because we both know that I will out-live him/kill him). Being around J changes you, he changes your appearance, he changes your demeanor, and he changes your speech pattern. Because of J (and to a lesser-extent Seean Paage) we have our words like “Ne”, “Barret”, “Wutai”, and “Feag”.
Feag can best be defined as meaning "Dude", "Friend", and "Fag" all rolled into one.
But for now, I have to tell you about the girl known as “Bitch-feag”. We call her that for obvious reasons, another reason being that we can’t remember her name. (I think it might have been Jessica) Bitch-feag, was a good friend of Joon’s little sister Oomy, now according to Bitch-feag, her dad used to beat her. (Probably for being a whore, but we’ll get to that) So naturally, Oomy had Bitch-feag move in with them.
Here’s where the problems start.
So according to Joon, when it was just him and Bitch-feag, she would always to try to sit real close to him and say things like “Oh there is just nothing to do around here, c’mon Joon, let’s find something to do” Now I say “according” because I refuse to believe that any girl, no matter how slutty, has ever hit on Joon. Not only that, but Joon says he turned her down.
So with her efforts on Joon a bust, she sets her sights on J. At this point of our lives, J and Joon were inseparable. J would skip school and so would Joon, they would stay up until 3 am playing Smash Bros. and then go to Waffle House. J effectively became part of Joon’s family. So with J constantly around, the two would inevitably meet.
This all came to the western-front when she made him French toast and lied down on the couch and put her head in J’s lap. This girl wanted J’s dick, in and around her mouth. J, not being a total idiot realized this and his heart was set on nailing this chick.
Now J and Oomy don’t always get a long, this was one of those times when they didn’t. Now it was a well-known fact that Joon’s family never locked their house, J and I went by to grab some DBZ cards we left there. I don’t remember what led us to this decision, but while we were there, we decided we were going to trash Joon’s room. So we snuck in, nobody was there, so we went to town on Joon’s room. Dumping his Yugioh cards everywhere, knocking shit over. Satisfied, we get ready to leave, when J spots some paper and some pens...
This is where he made his fatal mistake.
J tends to make fun of people’s weight problems, so when Oomy started putting on, he started hassling her. So he decided to draw Oomy (grossly overweight) doing it doggy style with her boyfriend. He made sure to leave it in the front door.
But we had not thought our cunning plan through, as we loaded our cards into my car, who should pull up but Bitch-feag and her “boyfriend”. “Run!” I shouted, we dove in the car and sped away.
Moments later we get a phone call from Oomy. She says that Bitch-feag said she called the police, saying we broke in and that she misinterpreted the drawing as herself.
Oh. Shit.
We went to our safe house...Danny’s. Since none of Joon’s family knew him, nor do they know where he lives. We stay there for the rest of the afternoon, until we got a phone call from Joon. Apparently, Bitch-feag did not call the police (shew!) and on top of that, his parents were upset at her for bringing over her boyfriend when she isn’t supposed to have people over and not us, because we were allowed over. Boy was Bitch-feag pissed.
This is when J realized that Bitch-feag was crazy (and a whore) and he was like “Oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? I was gonna have sex with that?” this is also where our favorite insult to her was coined by me. “The only thing positive about her is HIV”
The J/Bitch-feag drama came to a close, shortly afterwards, Bitch-feag called the Fire department and Bitch-feag’s dad called child services in an epic day. Oh and she started spreading mean rumors about Oomy. So her tenure at the Joon home was ended. We never saw her or heard from her again.
That was…
Until like last year or the year before that. I was at a Taco-bell with Dimm. Sure enough, I catch in the corner of my eye…Bitch-feag along with another boy. Thankfully we avoided contact, and we left shortly afterwards.
Oh and did I mention that she was very pregnant?
I love a happy ending. (And apparently she does too)
- Tune in next time, where my quick wit and evil mind save me from summer school.
Until next time, Bojac.
Feag can best be defined as meaning "Dude", "Friend", and "Fag" all rolled into one.
But for now, I have to tell you about the girl known as “Bitch-feag”. We call her that for obvious reasons, another reason being that we can’t remember her name. (I think it might have been Jessica) Bitch-feag, was a good friend of Joon’s little sister Oomy, now according to Bitch-feag, her dad used to beat her. (Probably for being a whore, but we’ll get to that) So naturally, Oomy had Bitch-feag move in with them.
Here’s where the problems start.
So according to Joon, when it was just him and Bitch-feag, she would always to try to sit real close to him and say things like “Oh there is just nothing to do around here, c’mon Joon, let’s find something to do” Now I say “according” because I refuse to believe that any girl, no matter how slutty, has ever hit on Joon. Not only that, but Joon says he turned her down.
So with her efforts on Joon a bust, she sets her sights on J. At this point of our lives, J and Joon were inseparable. J would skip school and so would Joon, they would stay up until 3 am playing Smash Bros. and then go to Waffle House. J effectively became part of Joon’s family. So with J constantly around, the two would inevitably meet.
This all came to the western-front when she made him French toast and lied down on the couch and put her head in J’s lap. This girl wanted J’s dick, in and around her mouth. J, not being a total idiot realized this and his heart was set on nailing this chick.
Now J and Oomy don’t always get a long, this was one of those times when they didn’t. Now it was a well-known fact that Joon’s family never locked their house, J and I went by to grab some DBZ cards we left there. I don’t remember what led us to this decision, but while we were there, we decided we were going to trash Joon’s room. So we snuck in, nobody was there, so we went to town on Joon’s room. Dumping his Yugioh cards everywhere, knocking shit over. Satisfied, we get ready to leave, when J spots some paper and some pens...
This is where he made his fatal mistake.
J tends to make fun of people’s weight problems, so when Oomy started putting on, he started hassling her. So he decided to draw Oomy (grossly overweight) doing it doggy style with her boyfriend. He made sure to leave it in the front door.
But we had not thought our cunning plan through, as we loaded our cards into my car, who should pull up but Bitch-feag and her “boyfriend”. “Run!” I shouted, we dove in the car and sped away.
Moments later we get a phone call from Oomy. She says that Bitch-feag said she called the police, saying we broke in and that she misinterpreted the drawing as herself.
Oh. Shit.
We went to our safe house...Danny’s. Since none of Joon’s family knew him, nor do they know where he lives. We stay there for the rest of the afternoon, until we got a phone call from Joon. Apparently, Bitch-feag did not call the police (shew!) and on top of that, his parents were upset at her for bringing over her boyfriend when she isn’t supposed to have people over and not us, because we were allowed over. Boy was Bitch-feag pissed.
This is when J realized that Bitch-feag was crazy (and a whore) and he was like “Oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? I was gonna have sex with that?” this is also where our favorite insult to her was coined by me. “The only thing positive about her is HIV”
The J/Bitch-feag drama came to a close, shortly afterwards, Bitch-feag called the Fire department and Bitch-feag’s dad called child services in an epic day. Oh and she started spreading mean rumors about Oomy. So her tenure at the Joon home was ended. We never saw her or heard from her again.
That was…
Until like last year or the year before that. I was at a Taco-bell with Dimm. Sure enough, I catch in the corner of my eye…Bitch-feag along with another boy. Thankfully we avoided contact, and we left shortly afterwards.
Oh and did I mention that she was very pregnant?
I love a happy ending. (And apparently she does too)
- Tune in next time, where my quick wit and evil mind save me from summer school.
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Four: Con-Men, Volume Three.
Before I begin, let me just say that this chapter is relatively happy.
I go to all kinds of conventions; this volume is dedicated to my experiences going to a Horror Movie Convention is Suburban Baltimore.
When I first went, it was actually sprung on me as a surprise. We were always going to Baltimore (as the inner harbor is a pretty fucking cool place) for like a weekend. Then like the day before, they spring it on me. There’s a convention that same weekend, you’re going. Not only that, but muthafucking Bruce Campbell was going to be there. Bricks, as they say. Were shat.
That was really my first Convention experience; it was pretty cool, my Mom tagged along with me, because at the time I think I was 16. Which meant I got her to save a place in line for Bruce Campbell. (Don’t worry, she got to sit in a chair) Needless to say, I wanted to go back the following year.
And I wasn’t going alone.
This time around, it was just after we all graduated from High School, and my parents said if I wanted some friends to go, that would be cool. I then drafted Dimm, J, and Danny to come along, not only did my parents pay for them to come along; they even gave them like $100 to spend.
*Editor's Note* This I think led J to believe that my parents would pay for anything and that I didn’t care if he stole anything of mine because “my parents would just replace it”.
This one was rather quiet, no incidents, we went to cool things, met cool people. (Including George A. Fucking Romero) One thing that kind of bothered me was that J, kind of exiled himself on the trip. While at the Con, he never wanted to do anything with us. He later said that he wandered around it a bit and went to some Horror Author readings, but I have my doubts.
He did however; buy a bootleg “Angry Beavers” complete series DVD set. The first two episodes were in real good quality. Then the rest seemed to have been ripped straight from somebody’s VCR recording of the show. We lol’ed.
Ok, so maybe we gave J a hard time at that convention. I totally forgot that one night we took Greg’s hair trimmer and shaved his eyebrows. Or more accurately, I shaved his right eyebrow and then shaved a chunk out of the middle of his left eyebrow. Also we were all hovering over J while he slept, desperately trying not to laugh.
That was a fun trip, but probably the last “innocent” one I would ever have.
The following year, I still wanted to go. But this time, my parents were not going with, so we had to pay our own ways. Dimm couldn’t go for financial reasons, but I did get Danny, J, and now Joon to agree to go. Everything was great; I was packed and ready go the night before. But then shit happens.
Turns out that Danny had no money to go; he never bothered to tell me this. He just kept saying that he was going. So the night before we are supposed to leave, one friend drops.
Then J starts to back out.
He never explicitly said that he didn’t want to go. But he definitely made it very clear to us that he did not want to go, and had no intention of going. So we figured J was out. *Editor’s Note* J to this day, hold this against us. But Joon and I were absolutely convinced he didn’t want to go based on how much of a shit-fit he was throwing.
The next morning, two feags leave for Baltimore.
Did I mention that Joon drove for me? You see, at the time I was still a very unsure driver, I was absolutely scared of driving on interstates. But no matter, I had a friend who had loads of experience driving on the freeway.
What’s that? You lost your glasses?
Now I know this should have throw up some red-flags, but we were ok. Joon drove all the way up to Baltimore, and back. Without glasses. He went out of state, to a convention that really depended on him being able to see things, and he had no glasses. I still don’t get how somebody loses their glasses; he doesn’t wear contacts, so that’s not an excuse.
Thankfully after we got up there, there were no more incidents. Watched a bunch of shitty movies, met Ernie “The Black Ghostbuster” Hudson. But there was one night where Joon desperately tried to get me to look at a shit, he had just taken, that was apparently “over a foot long”.
Oh, and actor Udo Kier (you know him, he’s the guy who plays a German in every movie ever made) got drunk and ate some flowers.
Oh and on the last night, Joon and I went to the Outback Steakhouse and ate at least 5,000 calories each.
In one final display of my epic knowledge of pop-culture and movie references, that Sunday afternoon, this DVD company was giving out free stuff. Including a copy of the original Halloween (since most of the remake’s cast was at the con) and daisies, I wanted that DVD. It was the last prize given out for answering trivia questions; we waited an extra hour for them to give it away. Joon even said “we could have left an hour ago, if you don’t get that DVD...” So the guy at the booth raised the copy up, and asked this question “In From Dusk Till Dawn, one of the main characters, Scott, wore a t-shirt that referenced this John Carpenter m...” I cut him off by raising my hand and shouting “Assault on Precinct 13”.
*How did I know the answer? I read the trivia page for the movie, on IMDB.com.
Fuck.
Yeah.
So I shut Joon up, and we left almost immediately for the 4 hour drive home.
The next day, his girlfriend at the time, K, broke up with him. She took him to the mall and tried on clothes for the next school year, which I guess was supposed to be her doing something nice for him before she ripped his heart out (which was then stomped out of existence by her later actions). Personally, I think if you’re going to do something like that, make it lingerie…or bikinis at the least.
We have yet to return to that convention. But I think next year is in order, because most of the fun from what we heard, happened in the bar.
And that’s it for Volume 3 of Con-Men! I figured since this one was more of a “happy” story, that I should keep it short. There are still some Con stories left to tell, but that will have to wait for another time.
- Tune in next time, where I lay out the ground work for an epic know as “The Feag Saga”.
Until next time, Bojac.
I go to all kinds of conventions; this volume is dedicated to my experiences going to a Horror Movie Convention is Suburban Baltimore.
When I first went, it was actually sprung on me as a surprise. We were always going to Baltimore (as the inner harbor is a pretty fucking cool place) for like a weekend. Then like the day before, they spring it on me. There’s a convention that same weekend, you’re going. Not only that, but muthafucking Bruce Campbell was going to be there. Bricks, as they say. Were shat.
That was really my first Convention experience; it was pretty cool, my Mom tagged along with me, because at the time I think I was 16. Which meant I got her to save a place in line for Bruce Campbell. (Don’t worry, she got to sit in a chair) Needless to say, I wanted to go back the following year.
And I wasn’t going alone.
This time around, it was just after we all graduated from High School, and my parents said if I wanted some friends to go, that would be cool. I then drafted Dimm, J, and Danny to come along, not only did my parents pay for them to come along; they even gave them like $100 to spend.
*Editor's Note* This I think led J to believe that my parents would pay for anything and that I didn’t care if he stole anything of mine because “my parents would just replace it”.
This one was rather quiet, no incidents, we went to cool things, met cool people. (Including George A. Fucking Romero) One thing that kind of bothered me was that J, kind of exiled himself on the trip. While at the Con, he never wanted to do anything with us. He later said that he wandered around it a bit and went to some Horror Author readings, but I have my doubts.
He did however; buy a bootleg “Angry Beavers” complete series DVD set. The first two episodes were in real good quality. Then the rest seemed to have been ripped straight from somebody’s VCR recording of the show. We lol’ed.
Ok, so maybe we gave J a hard time at that convention. I totally forgot that one night we took Greg’s hair trimmer and shaved his eyebrows. Or more accurately, I shaved his right eyebrow and then shaved a chunk out of the middle of his left eyebrow. Also we were all hovering over J while he slept, desperately trying not to laugh.
That was a fun trip, but probably the last “innocent” one I would ever have.
The following year, I still wanted to go. But this time, my parents were not going with, so we had to pay our own ways. Dimm couldn’t go for financial reasons, but I did get Danny, J, and now Joon to agree to go. Everything was great; I was packed and ready go the night before. But then shit happens.
Turns out that Danny had no money to go; he never bothered to tell me this. He just kept saying that he was going. So the night before we are supposed to leave, one friend drops.
Then J starts to back out.
He never explicitly said that he didn’t want to go. But he definitely made it very clear to us that he did not want to go, and had no intention of going. So we figured J was out. *Editor’s Note* J to this day, hold this against us. But Joon and I were absolutely convinced he didn’t want to go based on how much of a shit-fit he was throwing.
The next morning, two feags leave for Baltimore.
Did I mention that Joon drove for me? You see, at the time I was still a very unsure driver, I was absolutely scared of driving on interstates. But no matter, I had a friend who had loads of experience driving on the freeway.
What’s that? You lost your glasses?
Now I know this should have throw up some red-flags, but we were ok. Joon drove all the way up to Baltimore, and back. Without glasses. He went out of state, to a convention that really depended on him being able to see things, and he had no glasses. I still don’t get how somebody loses their glasses; he doesn’t wear contacts, so that’s not an excuse.
Thankfully after we got up there, there were no more incidents. Watched a bunch of shitty movies, met Ernie “The Black Ghostbuster” Hudson. But there was one night where Joon desperately tried to get me to look at a shit, he had just taken, that was apparently “over a foot long”.
Oh, and actor Udo Kier (you know him, he’s the guy who plays a German in every movie ever made) got drunk and ate some flowers.
Oh and on the last night, Joon and I went to the Outback Steakhouse and ate at least 5,000 calories each.
In one final display of my epic knowledge of pop-culture and movie references, that Sunday afternoon, this DVD company was giving out free stuff. Including a copy of the original Halloween (since most of the remake’s cast was at the con) and daisies, I wanted that DVD. It was the last prize given out for answering trivia questions; we waited an extra hour for them to give it away. Joon even said “we could have left an hour ago, if you don’t get that DVD...” So the guy at the booth raised the copy up, and asked this question “In From Dusk Till Dawn, one of the main characters, Scott, wore a t-shirt that referenced this John Carpenter m...” I cut him off by raising my hand and shouting “Assault on Precinct 13”.
*How did I know the answer? I read the trivia page for the movie, on IMDB.com.
Fuck.
Yeah.
So I shut Joon up, and we left almost immediately for the 4 hour drive home.
The next day, his girlfriend at the time, K, broke up with him. She took him to the mall and tried on clothes for the next school year, which I guess was supposed to be her doing something nice for him before she ripped his heart out (which was then stomped out of existence by her later actions). Personally, I think if you’re going to do something like that, make it lingerie…or bikinis at the least.
We have yet to return to that convention. But I think next year is in order, because most of the fun from what we heard, happened in the bar.
And that’s it for Volume 3 of Con-Men! I figured since this one was more of a “happy” story, that I should keep it short. There are still some Con stories left to tell, but that will have to wait for another time.
- Tune in next time, where I lay out the ground work for an epic know as “The Feag Saga”.
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Three: Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive…Period.
Like all boys in their teens/early 20s. I have been known to drive like a mad man. But for the most part, I stick to the safe road. I drive at the most…8mph over the speed limit on the highway, since I figure by the time I see a cop down the road, I have enough time to decelerate enough to not get in trouble. (And *crosses fingers* to this date, I have been great success)
But enough about me, this is the stupid shit my friends do.
Let’s start with the shortest tale, Tood.
I was driving my older half-sister home after her truck died (more accurately, the drive shaft fell out). I get a phone call; it’s my good friend and a character that is in 90% of my best stories…J.
“Bojac?”
Yes, J?
“Can you pick me up from the hospital?”
Turns out that J was in a car accident; but remember, this is a story about Tood, J will get his turn. Tood was the driver; K and J were in the back seat, and another one of our little asian buddies “Bewt” (as we call him) was riding shotgun. Tood ran a stop sign and hit somebody, everybody was ok thankfully.
*Editor’s Note* J would later describe the incident as “Bewt was there, and talking. The next second, there was glass everywhere, and an airbag had replaced Bewt.”
To this date, I have only ridden in a car while Tood was driving once. Even then, I was scared to death.
*Editor’s Note* Now this guy doesn’t really count as a “friend” but my friends and I know a guy who I will call “Dan”, Dan, you see, is a terrible driver. When he had his license he would collect speeding tickets like a balloon collects static electricity. Thankfully he doesn’t have a license anymore, but here’s the shocker.
This guy had a monthly car insurance bill of $1,000. Did I mention that his parents were paying for it? …And people give me shit about my parents paying for my insurance.
Now it’s our little buddy J’s turn.
The day he got his driver’s license, J got a car for $300. Lovingly titled “The J Mobile”, it was an ancient Geo Metro that got mad gas mileage.
Within the first week of owning it, he had wrecked it three times.
The first time, he was making a left turn; he then tried to whip around somebody. CRUNCH. The little old lady driving the other car forgave J, and she said it was ok and not to worry. J’s step-dad asked him what he hit that night (since the left side of his car had a large dent) he replied “A Squirrel”, he said his dad laughed and never bothered him again about it.
The next time, he was driving at night on 220. He hits a truck that was stopped in the middle of the road. He says he just slammed into it. He stayed in his car, unsure of what to do…
Then the truck just drives off.
J drove home with the car hood bent up, his step-dad straightened it out a little bit, and never asked him what happened.
The third time he said, he just backed into a tree or telephone pole. But the point still stands; he wrecked his car 3 times. Within one week of having his license.
The original J Mobile has since been replaced with an identical model Geo Metro, except this one is red. May it have many miles to go before it sleeps.
Next on my friend list is Joon.
Joon told me a story where he and J were in Joon’s car, they backed into Truck in a Food Lion parking lot in the middle of the night. Nobody was around, so they drove off. They did say that the back of the truck was significantly dented.
Over the last few years, Joon, J, and I have become avid fans of the Chicken Strips basket at IHOP. Simply put, they have the best Chicken Strip baskets I have ever eaten, they even come with texas-toast-garlic-bread and their honey mustard is amazing. But enough about that, one night, Joon and I were in his car getting ready to head back home. We parked with a Truck directly parked behind us. I thought to myself “I hope he sees that giant truck” not one second after I thought that…WHUMP! Joon backed into the truck, even though he could have just as easily DRIVEN FORWARD, OUT OF THE PARKING SPACE. This time however, there were witnesses, so Joon had to eat his pride, walk into the IHOP and tell the Cops in the restaurant that he backed into somebody. There wasn’t any damage, except for that the front license plate to the truck was on the ground, but I feel it could have just as easily snapped back on.
Thankfully, this time Joon’s license was valid.
Way back when, Joon got a speeding ticket. Before he went to DIP class, he earned himself a second speeding ticket. Thinking that both tickets would be covered by the one DIP class, he thought his troubles were over. Because he didn’t go to DIP for the second ticket, his license was suspended. Not only that, but he never had his address changed to his trailer after he moved. So he never got the letter from the DMV.
Then 6 months later, Joon got pulled over again. This is how he found out he had a suspended license. The cop took his invalid license, and told him that he had to sit and wait for somebody to get him, and if he tried to drive off, he would be arrested.
Joon eventually got his license reinstated, and all is well in the world.
The moral of the story is to always make sure the DMV has your current address up to date.
Finally on our list is my good buddy James.
This is James’ first appearance in my stories, but indeed it will not be his last.
We were over at Bewt’s house; it was getting real late, and we decided it was time to go home. Did I forget to mention that J was in the van with us? The first thing we did was drop off two of our friends at their apartment. We said goodbye to our friends at the apartment complex and next he was going to drop J and I off at my house. While we were backing out of the parking lot, I notice “Isn’t he going a little fast?” but it was too late…CRUNCH! We all get deathly quiet. James throws the car in drive and we start to drive away. Our friends at the apartment were halfway up the stairs and one yelled “What was that?” James responded quickly “Nothing happened” and we sped off into the night. He pulls over to a Kroger parking lot; we get out and survey the damage…nothing. We all hop back in the van and slink back into our warm, safe, beds.
That night, I talked to our friends at the apartment, they said the bumper of the other car was on the ground and the back was all messed up, but since we got out of there so fast, we never surveyed the damage. I remain suspicious, since I know I would have heard a bumper hitting the ground with all the windows down. Thankfully they also lived at some shady apartments, so no cops were ever brought in.
They also said that the next day, the car was gone, never to be seen again.
Now that I am done trashing my friend’s driving, I guess I should give you a little of my own luck.
Remember that snow in December? The one on the Friday before Christmas? Well J and I were out Christmas shopping, it was around Wal-Mart trip #2 that it started snowing. (You see, J and I went to Target and Wal-Mart twice, in the same day, because J kept forgetting things) This was the Wal-Mart at Valley View; our next and last place to stop was Booksamillion at Crossroads Mall to get Brandy a gift card. Think about that, normally that would be a 5 minute drive. This drive took 45 mins easy. Traffic was so crowded, and snow was pouring down (not falling, pouring), we knew Hershberger road was a bad choice so we took to the long route to Crossroads (going past the Airport, and the cemetery) which we thought was the safest.
Traffic was moving so slowly, and the snow was coming down so fast, that I had to get J to get out of the car multiple times and wipe the snow off the back window.
But we had made it to Crossroads. Or so we thought.
Anybody remember the Cinema Grill? That restaurant that showed sort of new movies? Well we decided to avoid traffic and turn in to the parking lot in front of the old Cinema Grill. This is where I made my fatal mistake.
We were going 5mph tops. I turned the wheel to the right. The car said “No, I want to go straight”. Well fine cars, then I want to stop. “No, I want to keep going” the car replied. So we kept going, the car slammed into and then over the curb, now on grass, I had enough control to avoid trees and parked cars.
But not enough to completely avoid the Stop sign.
The Stop sign knocked my right rear-view mirror out of whack, and it also left a pretty noticeable scratch on the right passenger door. But my car had the last laugh. That Stop sign is now at a 45 degree angle.
We got home safely, after composing ourselves, and going in to Booksamillion. But if you ever want to see my handy-work. Drive down Airport road toward Hershberger. Look to your right as you pass the building with the Satellite dishes. You should see a Stop sign at quite an askew angle. Get out and rub the sign for good luck, and think “Bojac was here”.
- Tune in next time, for the happy ending to “Con-Men” with Con-Men, Vol. 3! (OR IS IT???)
Until next time, Bojac.
But enough about me, this is the stupid shit my friends do.
Let’s start with the shortest tale, Tood.
I was driving my older half-sister home after her truck died (more accurately, the drive shaft fell out). I get a phone call; it’s my good friend and a character that is in 90% of my best stories…J.
“Bojac?”
Yes, J?
“Can you pick me up from the hospital?”
Turns out that J was in a car accident; but remember, this is a story about Tood, J will get his turn. Tood was the driver; K and J were in the back seat, and another one of our little asian buddies “Bewt” (as we call him) was riding shotgun. Tood ran a stop sign and hit somebody, everybody was ok thankfully.
*Editor’s Note* J would later describe the incident as “Bewt was there, and talking. The next second, there was glass everywhere, and an airbag had replaced Bewt.”
To this date, I have only ridden in a car while Tood was driving once. Even then, I was scared to death.
*Editor’s Note* Now this guy doesn’t really count as a “friend” but my friends and I know a guy who I will call “Dan”, Dan, you see, is a terrible driver. When he had his license he would collect speeding tickets like a balloon collects static electricity. Thankfully he doesn’t have a license anymore, but here’s the shocker.
This guy had a monthly car insurance bill of $1,000. Did I mention that his parents were paying for it? …And people give me shit about my parents paying for my insurance.
Now it’s our little buddy J’s turn.
The day he got his driver’s license, J got a car for $300. Lovingly titled “The J Mobile”, it was an ancient Geo Metro that got mad gas mileage.
Within the first week of owning it, he had wrecked it three times.
The first time, he was making a left turn; he then tried to whip around somebody. CRUNCH. The little old lady driving the other car forgave J, and she said it was ok and not to worry. J’s step-dad asked him what he hit that night (since the left side of his car had a large dent) he replied “A Squirrel”, he said his dad laughed and never bothered him again about it.
The next time, he was driving at night on 220. He hits a truck that was stopped in the middle of the road. He says he just slammed into it. He stayed in his car, unsure of what to do…
Then the truck just drives off.
J drove home with the car hood bent up, his step-dad straightened it out a little bit, and never asked him what happened.
The third time he said, he just backed into a tree or telephone pole. But the point still stands; he wrecked his car 3 times. Within one week of having his license.
The original J Mobile has since been replaced with an identical model Geo Metro, except this one is red. May it have many miles to go before it sleeps.
Next on my friend list is Joon.
Joon told me a story where he and J were in Joon’s car, they backed into Truck in a Food Lion parking lot in the middle of the night. Nobody was around, so they drove off. They did say that the back of the truck was significantly dented.
Over the last few years, Joon, J, and I have become avid fans of the Chicken Strips basket at IHOP. Simply put, they have the best Chicken Strip baskets I have ever eaten, they even come with texas-toast-garlic-bread and their honey mustard is amazing. But enough about that, one night, Joon and I were in his car getting ready to head back home. We parked with a Truck directly parked behind us. I thought to myself “I hope he sees that giant truck” not one second after I thought that…WHUMP! Joon backed into the truck, even though he could have just as easily DRIVEN FORWARD, OUT OF THE PARKING SPACE. This time however, there were witnesses, so Joon had to eat his pride, walk into the IHOP and tell the Cops in the restaurant that he backed into somebody. There wasn’t any damage, except for that the front license plate to the truck was on the ground, but I feel it could have just as easily snapped back on.
Thankfully, this time Joon’s license was valid.
Way back when, Joon got a speeding ticket. Before he went to DIP class, he earned himself a second speeding ticket. Thinking that both tickets would be covered by the one DIP class, he thought his troubles were over. Because he didn’t go to DIP for the second ticket, his license was suspended. Not only that, but he never had his address changed to his trailer after he moved. So he never got the letter from the DMV.
Then 6 months later, Joon got pulled over again. This is how he found out he had a suspended license. The cop took his invalid license, and told him that he had to sit and wait for somebody to get him, and if he tried to drive off, he would be arrested.
Joon eventually got his license reinstated, and all is well in the world.
The moral of the story is to always make sure the DMV has your current address up to date.
Finally on our list is my good buddy James.
This is James’ first appearance in my stories, but indeed it will not be his last.
We were over at Bewt’s house; it was getting real late, and we decided it was time to go home. Did I forget to mention that J was in the van with us? The first thing we did was drop off two of our friends at their apartment. We said goodbye to our friends at the apartment complex and next he was going to drop J and I off at my house. While we were backing out of the parking lot, I notice “Isn’t he going a little fast?” but it was too late…CRUNCH! We all get deathly quiet. James throws the car in drive and we start to drive away. Our friends at the apartment were halfway up the stairs and one yelled “What was that?” James responded quickly “Nothing happened” and we sped off into the night. He pulls over to a Kroger parking lot; we get out and survey the damage…nothing. We all hop back in the van and slink back into our warm, safe, beds.
That night, I talked to our friends at the apartment, they said the bumper of the other car was on the ground and the back was all messed up, but since we got out of there so fast, we never surveyed the damage. I remain suspicious, since I know I would have heard a bumper hitting the ground with all the windows down. Thankfully they also lived at some shady apartments, so no cops were ever brought in.
They also said that the next day, the car was gone, never to be seen again.
Now that I am done trashing my friend’s driving, I guess I should give you a little of my own luck.
Remember that snow in December? The one on the Friday before Christmas? Well J and I were out Christmas shopping, it was around Wal-Mart trip #2 that it started snowing. (You see, J and I went to Target and Wal-Mart twice, in the same day, because J kept forgetting things) This was the Wal-Mart at Valley View; our next and last place to stop was Booksamillion at Crossroads Mall to get Brandy a gift card. Think about that, normally that would be a 5 minute drive. This drive took 45 mins easy. Traffic was so crowded, and snow was pouring down (not falling, pouring), we knew Hershberger road was a bad choice so we took to the long route to Crossroads (going past the Airport, and the cemetery) which we thought was the safest.
Traffic was moving so slowly, and the snow was coming down so fast, that I had to get J to get out of the car multiple times and wipe the snow off the back window.
But we had made it to Crossroads. Or so we thought.
Anybody remember the Cinema Grill? That restaurant that showed sort of new movies? Well we decided to avoid traffic and turn in to the parking lot in front of the old Cinema Grill. This is where I made my fatal mistake.
We were going 5mph tops. I turned the wheel to the right. The car said “No, I want to go straight”. Well fine cars, then I want to stop. “No, I want to keep going” the car replied. So we kept going, the car slammed into and then over the curb, now on grass, I had enough control to avoid trees and parked cars.
But not enough to completely avoid the Stop sign.
The Stop sign knocked my right rear-view mirror out of whack, and it also left a pretty noticeable scratch on the right passenger door. But my car had the last laugh. That Stop sign is now at a 45 degree angle.
We got home safely, after composing ourselves, and going in to Booksamillion. But if you ever want to see my handy-work. Drive down Airport road toward Hershberger. Look to your right as you pass the building with the Satellite dishes. You should see a Stop sign at quite an askew angle. Get out and rub the sign for good luck, and think “Bojac was here”.
- Tune in next time, for the happy ending to “Con-Men” with Con-Men, Vol. 3! (OR IS IT???)
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter Two: Con-Men, Volume Two.
Prologue.
Before I begin the story of our trip to the same convention the following year. Here is a little run-down of our adventure at SheVa Con in between.
Joon and I entered the HoJo (if I remember correctly), I could only afford a day pass, but Joon gets a weekend pass. We get our badges, and event schedules, and sure enough there is a costume contest starting soon. That will be worth a few chuckles. No super amazing costumes, but some were interesting.
And then the belly-dancers show up.
The best way Joon described it was “one of the evolution-progression posters”, you see, the four women were chained together, the first one was astoundingly beautiful, the next…not so much, then she was followed by a hippopotamus, and then an ancient woman. Need I remind you that these were belly-dancers? No? Pretty horrifying stuff.
That night Joon and I played in a card game tournament; there were only four players, so naturally we left with a fuck-ton of prizes. This was also the year of the Dalek cake in the Con Suite. I have to say that that was the tastiest cake I ever had.
Oh, and the day passes and weekend passes are exactly the same except for like the date, but that's in small print, and nobody bothers to look at that.
Beginning of Volume 2.
So the year is 2009. The players are Myself, Joon, J, Tood, and K. But this is time, Tood and K bring along two more of their friends. Tyler and Gloria, appearance wise I would describe Tyler as Alan from The Hangover, but he’s a real cool cat. Gloria…she is one of those anime girls, you know, the chunky ones.
This time, we got a Suite. Fuck. Yeah.
But this time, Joon and J agreed to split the bill for me. In the original agreement, we agreed that they would cover me, in exchange for me driving, and us taking my car. Needless to say, 1 hour into the drive down, they change the agreement to where they cover my hotel stay, food, and some gas. Of course, me thinking of not wanting to spend too much, I leave most of my money at home. Taking $35 to spend on souvenirs, and Joon owed me $30.
This greatly angered J. In his retardation, he believed that I had no money to go, and refused to pay for anything, including gas. So now in his mind, I had to use my $65 on things like gas, and a weekend pass to the convention, before he would pay for his share of gas, or the hotel room.
Oh, and I had to sleep on the floor, and I wasn’t allowed any of the pillows.
I still have not retaliated properly for this treachery.
So already, this is being set up as a bad trip.
We had a sleeping arrangement where the people would rotate (except me of course) spots. The first night, Joon gets a nose bleed and gets it all over his half of the Queen Bed. I said to everyone that he probably punched himself in the nose and bled on it on purpose so he would get the bed the whole trip.
* Think about Joon, and his fist hitting a nose. This will be important later.
The next day consisted of playing video games in the game room, I think we went to a couple Q&As like a “How to survive a zombie apocalypse” presentation (which sucked) oh and an “Unofficial 4chan Seminar” (which also sucked). This was also the night of the big Super Smash Bros. tournament where we all sucked. The main reason we were there, and none of us made it to Top 4. In singles, or doubles. Fuck you Ike.
Joon, J, and I were hungry. We went to the room, nobody else wanted to go. So we head to the car.
Before I tell you the rest, I have to tell you that J is an avid Tae Kwon Do participant, I’ve been to a few of his belt-graduation-things. I know what he can do.
While in the parking lot, he says to me. “Hold this bottle out, and I’ll kick it out of your hand” DANGER! DANGER! BOJAC, DON’T DO IT! “Alright” I say. My reasoning being that I have seen him do his stuff, I know good and well he can do it. I take the bottle and hold it out.
He then proceeds to kick me, full force, right straight in the middle of my forearm. With steel-toed boots nonetheless.
It hurt. Like a mofo.
So now on top of being broke, I know have a very badly hurt arm. I am not a happy camper.
*Editor's Note* J has since admitted that he intentionally did that as he “wondered if I would let him kick me in the arm”. Oh boy, one day…it’s coming.
So I’m pissed, in excruciating pain, riding shotgun. J is in the back, Joon is driving since I can’t clench my left hand. I forget what they were talking about, but Joon goes to insult me about something. I react, I go to punch him in the face, but midway I realize that we are currently going 45mph, and a sudden jolt to the driver’s face would be a bad thing. I stop myself. Kind of. I stop the force, but my hand still lightly slaps Joon’s face. (And I mean lightly) He starts insulting me, I’m apologizing, saying I didn’t mean to, that I honestly tried to stop. We get quiet. Thinking it’s over. I turn my head and point to where we need to be turning. But I don’t finish my sentence.
I am promptly cut off with his fist, meeting my face.
The first thing I think is “Oh shit, he broke my nose”, thankfully he didn’t. Nor did it start bleeding. We all get quiet again. I tell him to pull off into a Rite-Aid. I buy (with my credit card, since the fuckers made me spend all my money) some ibuprofen for my arm and now my aching face.
We stop at a Ruby Tuesday for dinner, Joon says I can get whatever I want. I go to bathroom to splash some water on my face and compose myself. *Editor's Note* Joon has later admitted to saying that was the greatest day of his life and that he has never been happier, to the point that he took his shirt off in the Ruby Tuesday while I was away, and if you know how sensitive he is to people seeing him without a shirt...yeah.
Thankfully that was the end of my personal troubles for the day.
But all is not well.
This is Friday night, we went up on Thursday. The Con is over on Sunday, we have a hotel reservation until Sunday. J, Joon, and I sleep in our beds Saturday night. These are the events leading up to our untimely departure.
We return to the room, all sleepy, I was still in shock from the last 2 hours. I take my spot on the floor. J and Joon have been sharing the Queen sized bed. Tood and K have a spot in the main room for themselves (also on the floor, they’re weird like that). Tyler slept on the floor too, and Princess Gloria had the pull-out-couch-bed. J closes the door between our room and the other’s. Now these doors, I can best describe them as shitty-closet-doors, with no lock. Tood keeps opening the door and throwing shit in our room. Mostly complementary cookies from the hotel. This goes on for like 3 hours, easy. Joon has long since been asleep, snoring through all of it.
J does not like this.
He gets mad and goes to the lobby to try and sleep there. Tood then follows him out there and continues to bug him. This was the last straw for J.
Now while J was gone from the room, I took his spot on the bed. It was fucking awesome. Joon later told me that he “went to sleep with a J next to him and in the morning he had turned into a Bojac”.
That morning, everybody goes to this Voice Actor Q&A. They have some chick who I don’t remember, Jeff Muthafucking Nimoy, and Sonny Muthafucking Strait. I think like around the 3rd question, I got the microphone, but the idiots running the thing had multiple microphones going around, and they didn’t get to me until around question 10. I said something like “Thanks for voicing Krillin, the only man who could knock up a robot” crowd laughs, Sonny says something along “She’s essentially a sophisticated blow-up doll” more laughter. Now my question “Would you do my voice-mail?” but no! Sonny reacts too soon! He only hears “Would you do my voice?” so he then proceeds to do an impersonation of me, and apparently I mumble a lot. Crowd goes nuts. I play along, but secretly inside I am crushed; I am cringing now typing this, nearly a year after the fact. Joon gets to ask a question and he asks “Are you guys good enough to have conversations between your characters” first thing they do is get all uppity at “Are you good enough” but we did get to hear Tentomon and Wolfwood talk to each other, which was fucking cool…then they jumped right into some Yaoi shit. Buncha sickos.
So after that, J comes to Joon and I and asks “Do you want to stay for the rest of the trip?” I could care less, things haven’t been going too well for me. You see, J was so pissed that Tood kept him from getting any sleep so he wanted the fuck out of there. “I’ll give you guys $50 if we leave today” so a deal was struck.
We talked to Tyler who would act as our man on the inside. He told us where Tood, K, and Gloria were, so we could pack up and disappear and get as far away as possible.
Just leaving wasn’t enough for J. He wanted more. The 4 of us feags go to the room, we pack up our stuff, and J grabs a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. He dumps them all over the place (except on Tyler and Gloria’s stuff), he crunches them up all over the Queen Bed. He dumped some other things on Tood and K’s sleeping place but I forget what. Then he eyes Tood’s favorite jacket, the one that Joon says he threw a shit-fit about the last time something got spilled on it. J then grabs the jacket, throws it in the shower, and turns the water on, but not too much to where you can hear it from the outside.
We then went back to the Con, dropped off Tyler. We went to Sonny Strait’s autograph session, got him to sign a DBZ Card, and got some pics with him. Cool dude. But I still slightly hate him for ridiculing me because of miss-hearing me.
Immediately after we got to meet Sonny, we got da fuck out of Dodge. (Or Tennessee to be more precise)
But Karma wasn’t done with us.
As I am sure you know, in the South, we looove our Crack’r B’rr’ls (or Cracker Barrels as you Yanks say). I kept track and we passed no less than 10 on our journey back. But after a couple hours of driving, we got hungry and stopped at one of these establishments. Afterwards, we get back on the highway, headed home.
Or so we thought.
Turns out that I accidentally got turned around at the Crack’r B’rr’l and sure enough, for 45 minutes…we were going in the wrong direction. Karma, as they say, is a bitch.
Not only that, but we’re running low on gas, and none of these exits were saying “Gas”. The empty light clicks on, shit we’ve got 10 minutes tops. Thankfully we got to a gas station. J was even more pissed that not only did we go in the wrong way for almost an hour, but it was his turn to fill the car up. J, as you can guess, would kill Scrooge for a chance to get a free penny. So I take the back seat while Joon drives, and I take verbal assaults from J the whole way home. But screw it, I got home, slept in my bed, and got a hug from my mommy (Call me a wuss if you want, but after all that shit I put up with, I needed it).
Needless to say, we never saw a nickel of that $50.
*Editor's Note* Oh, you want to know about the aftermath of our trashing the room, and bailing on them?
Tyler has some video recordings of them reacting to the mess, but the only person who really reacts at all was K. She has been quoted as saying "What's Joon's cat's name? Herbie? I'll kill that cat." (don't worry, the cat is safe) But it's all good in the hood, in fact mere months later, Tood and K moved in (and subsequently moved out of) a trailer owned by Joon's dad. (They barely paid rent, or kept the place clean, oh and K had two jobs to pay rent because Tood to this day does not have a job.) But we are all buddies again, J later apologized, and so did Joon.
I however, have not, I like to think of it as I was in the morally gray and excused from any consequences. From what I hear, K is still angry at me and awaiting that apology.
And that my friends, is the end of Con-Men Volume 2. There are many other Con stories left to tell, and many more yet to happen. But I think 4 pages is plenty for now.
- Tune in next time, where I will tell you a tale about ships, and whales. (Ok not really, but it won't be about my Con experiences)
Until next time, Bojac.
Before I begin the story of our trip to the same convention the following year. Here is a little run-down of our adventure at SheVa Con in between.
Joon and I entered the HoJo (if I remember correctly), I could only afford a day pass, but Joon gets a weekend pass. We get our badges, and event schedules, and sure enough there is a costume contest starting soon. That will be worth a few chuckles. No super amazing costumes, but some were interesting.
And then the belly-dancers show up.
The best way Joon described it was “one of the evolution-progression posters”, you see, the four women were chained together, the first one was astoundingly beautiful, the next…not so much, then she was followed by a hippopotamus, and then an ancient woman. Need I remind you that these were belly-dancers? No? Pretty horrifying stuff.
That night Joon and I played in a card game tournament; there were only four players, so naturally we left with a fuck-ton of prizes. This was also the year of the Dalek cake in the Con Suite. I have to say that that was the tastiest cake I ever had.
Oh, and the day passes and weekend passes are exactly the same except for like the date, but that's in small print, and nobody bothers to look at that.
Beginning of Volume 2.
So the year is 2009. The players are Myself, Joon, J, Tood, and K. But this is time, Tood and K bring along two more of their friends. Tyler and Gloria, appearance wise I would describe Tyler as Alan from The Hangover, but he’s a real cool cat. Gloria…she is one of those anime girls, you know, the chunky ones.
This time, we got a Suite. Fuck. Yeah.
But this time, Joon and J agreed to split the bill for me. In the original agreement, we agreed that they would cover me, in exchange for me driving, and us taking my car. Needless to say, 1 hour into the drive down, they change the agreement to where they cover my hotel stay, food, and some gas. Of course, me thinking of not wanting to spend too much, I leave most of my money at home. Taking $35 to spend on souvenirs, and Joon owed me $30.
This greatly angered J. In his retardation, he believed that I had no money to go, and refused to pay for anything, including gas. So now in his mind, I had to use my $65 on things like gas, and a weekend pass to the convention, before he would pay for his share of gas, or the hotel room.
Oh, and I had to sleep on the floor, and I wasn’t allowed any of the pillows.
I still have not retaliated properly for this treachery.
So already, this is being set up as a bad trip.
We had a sleeping arrangement where the people would rotate (except me of course) spots. The first night, Joon gets a nose bleed and gets it all over his half of the Queen Bed. I said to everyone that he probably punched himself in the nose and bled on it on purpose so he would get the bed the whole trip.
* Think about Joon, and his fist hitting a nose. This will be important later.
The next day consisted of playing video games in the game room, I think we went to a couple Q&As like a “How to survive a zombie apocalypse” presentation (which sucked) oh and an “Unofficial 4chan Seminar” (which also sucked). This was also the night of the big Super Smash Bros. tournament where we all sucked. The main reason we were there, and none of us made it to Top 4. In singles, or doubles. Fuck you Ike.
Joon, J, and I were hungry. We went to the room, nobody else wanted to go. So we head to the car.
Before I tell you the rest, I have to tell you that J is an avid Tae Kwon Do participant, I’ve been to a few of his belt-graduation-things. I know what he can do.
While in the parking lot, he says to me. “Hold this bottle out, and I’ll kick it out of your hand” DANGER! DANGER! BOJAC, DON’T DO IT! “Alright” I say. My reasoning being that I have seen him do his stuff, I know good and well he can do it. I take the bottle and hold it out.
He then proceeds to kick me, full force, right straight in the middle of my forearm. With steel-toed boots nonetheless.
It hurt. Like a mofo.
So now on top of being broke, I know have a very badly hurt arm. I am not a happy camper.
*Editor's Note* J has since admitted that he intentionally did that as he “wondered if I would let him kick me in the arm”. Oh boy, one day…it’s coming.
So I’m pissed, in excruciating pain, riding shotgun. J is in the back, Joon is driving since I can’t clench my left hand. I forget what they were talking about, but Joon goes to insult me about something. I react, I go to punch him in the face, but midway I realize that we are currently going 45mph, and a sudden jolt to the driver’s face would be a bad thing. I stop myself. Kind of. I stop the force, but my hand still lightly slaps Joon’s face. (And I mean lightly) He starts insulting me, I’m apologizing, saying I didn’t mean to, that I honestly tried to stop. We get quiet. Thinking it’s over. I turn my head and point to where we need to be turning. But I don’t finish my sentence.
I am promptly cut off with his fist, meeting my face.
The first thing I think is “Oh shit, he broke my nose”, thankfully he didn’t. Nor did it start bleeding. We all get quiet again. I tell him to pull off into a Rite-Aid. I buy (with my credit card, since the fuckers made me spend all my money) some ibuprofen for my arm and now my aching face.
We stop at a Ruby Tuesday for dinner, Joon says I can get whatever I want. I go to bathroom to splash some water on my face and compose myself. *Editor's Note* Joon has later admitted to saying that was the greatest day of his life and that he has never been happier, to the point that he took his shirt off in the Ruby Tuesday while I was away, and if you know how sensitive he is to people seeing him without a shirt...yeah.
Thankfully that was the end of my personal troubles for the day.
But all is not well.
This is Friday night, we went up on Thursday. The Con is over on Sunday, we have a hotel reservation until Sunday. J, Joon, and I sleep in our beds Saturday night. These are the events leading up to our untimely departure.
We return to the room, all sleepy, I was still in shock from the last 2 hours. I take my spot on the floor. J and Joon have been sharing the Queen sized bed. Tood and K have a spot in the main room for themselves (also on the floor, they’re weird like that). Tyler slept on the floor too, and Princess Gloria had the pull-out-couch-bed. J closes the door between our room and the other’s. Now these doors, I can best describe them as shitty-closet-doors, with no lock. Tood keeps opening the door and throwing shit in our room. Mostly complementary cookies from the hotel. This goes on for like 3 hours, easy. Joon has long since been asleep, snoring through all of it.
J does not like this.
He gets mad and goes to the lobby to try and sleep there. Tood then follows him out there and continues to bug him. This was the last straw for J.
Now while J was gone from the room, I took his spot on the bed. It was fucking awesome. Joon later told me that he “went to sleep with a J next to him and in the morning he had turned into a Bojac”.
That morning, everybody goes to this Voice Actor Q&A. They have some chick who I don’t remember, Jeff Muthafucking Nimoy, and Sonny Muthafucking Strait. I think like around the 3rd question, I got the microphone, but the idiots running the thing had multiple microphones going around, and they didn’t get to me until around question 10. I said something like “Thanks for voicing Krillin, the only man who could knock up a robot” crowd laughs, Sonny says something along “She’s essentially a sophisticated blow-up doll” more laughter. Now my question “Would you do my voice-mail?” but no! Sonny reacts too soon! He only hears “Would you do my voice?” so he then proceeds to do an impersonation of me, and apparently I mumble a lot. Crowd goes nuts. I play along, but secretly inside I am crushed; I am cringing now typing this, nearly a year after the fact. Joon gets to ask a question and he asks “Are you guys good enough to have conversations between your characters” first thing they do is get all uppity at “Are you good enough” but we did get to hear Tentomon and Wolfwood talk to each other, which was fucking cool…then they jumped right into some Yaoi shit. Buncha sickos.
So after that, J comes to Joon and I and asks “Do you want to stay for the rest of the trip?” I could care less, things haven’t been going too well for me. You see, J was so pissed that Tood kept him from getting any sleep so he wanted the fuck out of there. “I’ll give you guys $50 if we leave today” so a deal was struck.
We talked to Tyler who would act as our man on the inside. He told us where Tood, K, and Gloria were, so we could pack up and disappear and get as far away as possible.
Just leaving wasn’t enough for J. He wanted more. The 4 of us feags go to the room, we pack up our stuff, and J grabs a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. He dumps them all over the place (except on Tyler and Gloria’s stuff), he crunches them up all over the Queen Bed. He dumped some other things on Tood and K’s sleeping place but I forget what. Then he eyes Tood’s favorite jacket, the one that Joon says he threw a shit-fit about the last time something got spilled on it. J then grabs the jacket, throws it in the shower, and turns the water on, but not too much to where you can hear it from the outside.
We then went back to the Con, dropped off Tyler. We went to Sonny Strait’s autograph session, got him to sign a DBZ Card, and got some pics with him. Cool dude. But I still slightly hate him for ridiculing me because of miss-hearing me.
Immediately after we got to meet Sonny, we got da fuck out of Dodge. (Or Tennessee to be more precise)
But Karma wasn’t done with us.
As I am sure you know, in the South, we looove our Crack’r B’rr’ls (or Cracker Barrels as you Yanks say). I kept track and we passed no less than 10 on our journey back. But after a couple hours of driving, we got hungry and stopped at one of these establishments. Afterwards, we get back on the highway, headed home.
Or so we thought.
Turns out that I accidentally got turned around at the Crack’r B’rr’l and sure enough, for 45 minutes…we were going in the wrong direction. Karma, as they say, is a bitch.
Not only that, but we’re running low on gas, and none of these exits were saying “Gas”. The empty light clicks on, shit we’ve got 10 minutes tops. Thankfully we got to a gas station. J was even more pissed that not only did we go in the wrong way for almost an hour, but it was his turn to fill the car up. J, as you can guess, would kill Scrooge for a chance to get a free penny. So I take the back seat while Joon drives, and I take verbal assaults from J the whole way home. But screw it, I got home, slept in my bed, and got a hug from my mommy (Call me a wuss if you want, but after all that shit I put up with, I needed it).
Needless to say, we never saw a nickel of that $50.
*Editor's Note* Oh, you want to know about the aftermath of our trashing the room, and bailing on them?
Tyler has some video recordings of them reacting to the mess, but the only person who really reacts at all was K. She has been quoted as saying "What's Joon's cat's name? Herbie? I'll kill that cat." (don't worry, the cat is safe) But it's all good in the hood, in fact mere months later, Tood and K moved in (and subsequently moved out of) a trailer owned by Joon's dad. (They barely paid rent, or kept the place clean, oh and K had two jobs to pay rent because Tood to this day does not have a job.) But we are all buddies again, J later apologized, and so did Joon.
I however, have not, I like to think of it as I was in the morally gray and excused from any consequences. From what I hear, K is still angry at me and awaiting that apology.
And that my friends, is the end of Con-Men Volume 2. There are many other Con stories left to tell, and many more yet to happen. But I think 4 pages is plenty for now.
- Tune in next time, where I will tell you a tale about ships, and whales. (Ok not really, but it won't be about my Con experiences)
Until next time, Bojac.
Chapter One: Con-Men, Volume One.
I think it is safe to assume that any folks out here reading are a fan of the anime, am I right?
Good.
Is it also safe to assume that you all know of these things called conventions? Where large groups of like-minded individuals gather for a common interest (bootleg dvds, hats made to look like cat ears)? Then that is where we shall begin.
The names of the parties involved have been changed for my own protection, as I sort of swore to secrecy in one of these events. Now things all started with my good friends Joon & J. The two of them, the year before, went to an Anime Convention out of state and they came back talking about how much fun they had, playing in Super Smash Bros. tournaments, hot chicks, etc. For the following year they begged me to go along with them to the next convention, it was around that time that I had quit my job and money was tight but fuck it, I wanted to have a good time. The Con started Friday night, the drive was 7 hours away, so we figured we would leave Friday morning together and get there in time for fun-times that night. Back tracking a bit, Lenny invited two more of his friends to come along, Tood and K. *Editor's Note* K and Joon had once dated for quite a bit, but the year before, she dumped him, and then he foolishly introduced Tood to K.
The Wednesday before the big drive, we found out that J and I have a test in a class that friday, and we couldn’t get it rescheduled.
Fuck.
But no worries! Joon hatches the idea of taking his car, and still driving up Friday morning, that he would take Tood and K with him; so that we wouldn’t lose our hotel reservation. Then after J and I completed our tests, we would boogie on down Saturday morning. Friday, we took our tests (both of us passed with flying colors, but in actuality because I forgot to turn in a paper to some plagiarism checking website, I still failed the class…mother fucker) and the following morning we arose ready for a fun day driving.
Oh man did J and I have a blast! We were blasting muzak, windows down, speeding all the way (I learned my car maxed out at 100mph)! But what about Joon, Tood, and K??? Well, about halfway there, we get a phone call. It’s from Joon.
“I fucking hate you guys”
Why? What happened? Did you guys get down there alright?
“Yep, I just woke up in my car.”
What! Did you not get our hotel room?
“No, we got the room alright”
Joon then tells us a tragic tale, you see, Tood and K were stupidly in love. Joon told us that he was stuck driving for 7+ hours, pretty much in solidarity, as the two love birds didn’t talk much during the drive. But that’s not that big of a deal. What happened later was what will never be forgotten. I have long since forgotten what he told me of what all three of them did at the con, that didn’t matter. But that Friday night, Joon, Tood, and K settled down to sleep. Or so Joon thought. He said that he woke up in the middle of the night in the two-bed hotel room to go to the bathroom, when he went back to bed, he heard it. The sound he described was like taking a spoon and stirring a bowl of Mac & Cheese. “Oh no” he thought “They’re making out” but that immediately changed when he immediately heard Tood whisper “Oh yeah”, “Just like that”. He then proceeded to roll over in bed loudly (the two birds were sleeping on the floor, even though we had two beds) so that they might realize what he was hearing. But that sound of Mac & Cheese continued. Joon then said that he got out of bed, and just left the room. He spent the rest of the night lying on his hood, staring at the stars, and then went to sleep in his car. Needless to say J and I were laughing so hard that I could barely control the vehicle. Our dear pal, was trapped in another state, with his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Not only that but they had been dating just a fraction of how long Joon and K had been going out (he never hit dat neither) and they were doing God-knows-what in the same room as him.
“You owe me big time, fuckers”
When we got there, we found Joon in the game room and gave him a big hug. Our little trooper. The rest of the day was rather uneventful, we played vigigames, bought t-shirts, listened to some shitty band (But they did have catchy song titles like “Jackie Chan” and “I want to have sex with you”. At some point in the day, our discussions came to the movie “Into the Wild”, I had never seen it, and this is where I met my first RedBox. With DVD in hand, all 5 of us went back to the room, I stayed up watching the movie, while everybody went to sleep.
Or so I thought.
About halfway into the movie, I heard a sound, a sound that very much reminded me of stirring Mac & Cheese. In my horror, I coughed really loudly, trying to alert Tood and K to my state of awareness. Thankfully, the noise stopped. I finished the movie, and drifted off to sleep.
The rest of the weekend was rather uneventful, but as part of J and I feeling sorry for Joon, I agreed to drive Tood and K home. Yes, it was a rather lonely 5 hours, they hardly uttered a word, and spent most of it wrapped in each other’s arms, gazing into their lover’s eyes. Makes me sick.
Then the rain came.
I mean, holykafuckingshit rain. I had my wipers going full-blast, and I still could barely see the road, let alone other drivers. Also at the same time, I found myself getting very, very, very sleepy, and the lack of stimulating conversation didn’t help. I pulled off to a Rest-Stop and we chilled until the weather cleared up a bit. I then asked if either Tood or K, would drive for a bit, while I napped. K agreed to.
Why did I ever let a woman drive my car? Well, I was that sleepy.
So I put my head down in a pillow, sitting in the passenger seat, and close my eyes for 30 seconds.
Then I hear tractor trailer horns blowing loudly.
I open my eyes in panic, and sure enough, K has driven out the wrong exit to the rest stop and we are now facing oncoming traffic on I-70. Fuck. Me. Running. *Editor's Note* This is actually the second time this has happened to K, on the ride up, she drove a leg of the trip and did the exact same thing, right in to oncoming traffic.
Thankfully she was competent enough to turn around, and off we were! I drift off to sleep, weary that I may never wake up.
Thankfully I did. One hour later.
Fuck!
I decide to drive the rest of the way, chugging some nasty Cappuccino thing from those shady machines. We make it home; I drop off Tood and K. Tood said he would reimburse me for the last tank of gas. But alas I never saw that money. Nor to this day does he feel it necessary to pay me back since “my parents just pay for everything” even though I not only said he only owed $20 when he really owed me $35 in gas, and I paid for my part of that trip, with my own money, from my own job, and he to this day lives off his parents, and does not hold a job.
-Tune in next time for my harrowing tale of vengeance, humiliation, and much more.
Until next time, Bojac.
Good.
Is it also safe to assume that you all know of these things called conventions? Where large groups of like-minded individuals gather for a common interest (bootleg dvds, hats made to look like cat ears)? Then that is where we shall begin.
The names of the parties involved have been changed for my own protection, as I sort of swore to secrecy in one of these events. Now things all started with my good friends Joon & J. The two of them, the year before, went to an Anime Convention out of state and they came back talking about how much fun they had, playing in Super Smash Bros. tournaments, hot chicks, etc. For the following year they begged me to go along with them to the next convention, it was around that time that I had quit my job and money was tight but fuck it, I wanted to have a good time. The Con started Friday night, the drive was 7 hours away, so we figured we would leave Friday morning together and get there in time for fun-times that night. Back tracking a bit, Lenny invited two more of his friends to come along, Tood and K. *Editor's Note* K and Joon had once dated for quite a bit, but the year before, she dumped him, and then he foolishly introduced Tood to K.
The Wednesday before the big drive, we found out that J and I have a test in a class that friday, and we couldn’t get it rescheduled.
Fuck.
But no worries! Joon hatches the idea of taking his car, and still driving up Friday morning, that he would take Tood and K with him; so that we wouldn’t lose our hotel reservation. Then after J and I completed our tests, we would boogie on down Saturday morning. Friday, we took our tests (both of us passed with flying colors, but in actuality because I forgot to turn in a paper to some plagiarism checking website, I still failed the class…mother fucker) and the following morning we arose ready for a fun day driving.
Oh man did J and I have a blast! We were blasting muzak, windows down, speeding all the way (I learned my car maxed out at 100mph)! But what about Joon, Tood, and K??? Well, about halfway there, we get a phone call. It’s from Joon.
“I fucking hate you guys”
Why? What happened? Did you guys get down there alright?
“Yep, I just woke up in my car.”
What! Did you not get our hotel room?
“No, we got the room alright”
Joon then tells us a tragic tale, you see, Tood and K were stupidly in love. Joon told us that he was stuck driving for 7+ hours, pretty much in solidarity, as the two love birds didn’t talk much during the drive. But that’s not that big of a deal. What happened later was what will never be forgotten. I have long since forgotten what he told me of what all three of them did at the con, that didn’t matter. But that Friday night, Joon, Tood, and K settled down to sleep. Or so Joon thought. He said that he woke up in the middle of the night in the two-bed hotel room to go to the bathroom, when he went back to bed, he heard it. The sound he described was like taking a spoon and stirring a bowl of Mac & Cheese. “Oh no” he thought “They’re making out” but that immediately changed when he immediately heard Tood whisper “Oh yeah”, “Just like that”. He then proceeded to roll over in bed loudly (the two birds were sleeping on the floor, even though we had two beds) so that they might realize what he was hearing. But that sound of Mac & Cheese continued. Joon then said that he got out of bed, and just left the room. He spent the rest of the night lying on his hood, staring at the stars, and then went to sleep in his car. Needless to say J and I were laughing so hard that I could barely control the vehicle. Our dear pal, was trapped in another state, with his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. Not only that but they had been dating just a fraction of how long Joon and K had been going out (he never hit dat neither) and they were doing God-knows-what in the same room as him.
“You owe me big time, fuckers”
When we got there, we found Joon in the game room and gave him a big hug. Our little trooper. The rest of the day was rather uneventful, we played vigigames, bought t-shirts, listened to some shitty band (But they did have catchy song titles like “Jackie Chan” and “I want to have sex with you”. At some point in the day, our discussions came to the movie “Into the Wild”, I had never seen it, and this is where I met my first RedBox. With DVD in hand, all 5 of us went back to the room, I stayed up watching the movie, while everybody went to sleep.
Or so I thought.
About halfway into the movie, I heard a sound, a sound that very much reminded me of stirring Mac & Cheese. In my horror, I coughed really loudly, trying to alert Tood and K to my state of awareness. Thankfully, the noise stopped. I finished the movie, and drifted off to sleep.
The rest of the weekend was rather uneventful, but as part of J and I feeling sorry for Joon, I agreed to drive Tood and K home. Yes, it was a rather lonely 5 hours, they hardly uttered a word, and spent most of it wrapped in each other’s arms, gazing into their lover’s eyes. Makes me sick.
Then the rain came.
I mean, holykafuckingshit rain. I had my wipers going full-blast, and I still could barely see the road, let alone other drivers. Also at the same time, I found myself getting very, very, very sleepy, and the lack of stimulating conversation didn’t help. I pulled off to a Rest-Stop and we chilled until the weather cleared up a bit. I then asked if either Tood or K, would drive for a bit, while I napped. K agreed to.
Why did I ever let a woman drive my car? Well, I was that sleepy.
So I put my head down in a pillow, sitting in the passenger seat, and close my eyes for 30 seconds.
Then I hear tractor trailer horns blowing loudly.
I open my eyes in panic, and sure enough, K has driven out the wrong exit to the rest stop and we are now facing oncoming traffic on I-70. Fuck. Me. Running. *Editor's Note* This is actually the second time this has happened to K, on the ride up, she drove a leg of the trip and did the exact same thing, right in to oncoming traffic.
Thankfully she was competent enough to turn around, and off we were! I drift off to sleep, weary that I may never wake up.
Thankfully I did. One hour later.
Fuck!
I decide to drive the rest of the way, chugging some nasty Cappuccino thing from those shady machines. We make it home; I drop off Tood and K. Tood said he would reimburse me for the last tank of gas. But alas I never saw that money. Nor to this day does he feel it necessary to pay me back since “my parents just pay for everything” even though I not only said he only owed $20 when he really owed me $35 in gas, and I paid for my part of that trip, with my own money, from my own job, and he to this day lives off his parents, and does not hold a job.
-Tune in next time for my harrowing tale of vengeance, humiliation, and much more.
Until next time, Bojac.
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